Thanks radiogurl for being so caring. However, do I really deserve your care? :( I feel like I'm making everyone hope for something so much better for me and it turns out fruitless.
I purged again today. I can't do Atkins, I just don't want to stomach too much meat. I had once been a vegan and I just could not really eat much of it. Having seen so many gruesome pics in peta.com, I don't think I can ever eat meat like I have the right too. Most of the time I feel apologetic to those slaughtered and victimised animals. Sometimes I would pray silently and said sorry to he food that had been served in front of me and though it could really taste super damn nice, I felt quite guilty.
I don't know. How does it feel like to lose blood, drop by drop? At the slaughterhouse, they do that, don't they? I bet those slaughtermen are vegetarian. How could you kill something yourself and eat it. I just can't. How does it feel like to be huddled together in a tight choking space with your mates waiting for death to come.
All these thoughts..unnecessary ones to you, keep on sticking out in my mind. I just can't stop worrying or thinking. I know I have the right to control it, but I think somebody else is controlling my brain, like it has been programmed by a chip that runs through my body and my actions.
I wish that was true so that I won't feel guilty if I make mistakes or if I have done something wrong, intentionally or not. A mistake is a mistake is a mistake. I cant erase it, I cant blame anyone but myself. Who else want to take the blame for me. It has all gotten to be ourselves. Selves for selves. There's no other way to go.
Instead of having a gun pointing at my brain to scare me, I am well afraid of having seen too much misery and grief that I decided to take it out with food. I dont wish to be exposed to all the complications that life has. i wish i could run away and escape.
things like that always make me feel like im losing control. powerless. we're so weak. god's the greatest. we're just mortals. we die.
i can run, but i can't run too fast. problems are going to catch up with me. in fact, it already has. im still bulimic and there's no easy way out to recover, but hell, it's sapping too much energy from me and im getting really tired and lethargic.
i should be on prozac. im depressed today. but prozac needs money.
and fuck, i dont have any. back to starving tomorrow in school. have to pay so many things... class funds, books, and i only have 15 bucks for everything..and i still owe cindy some bucks.
having money is bad. having no money is horrible. how does it feel like to be neutral.
11:50 p.m. - 2004-08-25
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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