If it was the truth that I was running away from complications and problems, then where was the starting line?
I think I am living the cruel truth of it all. I am not those starving africans in the desert, neither do I really have to suffer all these. But I do have it. I am still bulimic. I can't get away from it, in the long run. Still, in the long run. After all the hardwork and effort, all wasted. Food dissolving, washed away by the flush of the toilet.
What power does food really have on me? Am I under a spell? Have I been using food as a media to express my emotions and feelings? If so, why do i. It's not a question. I am quite remorseful about how the situation turns out to be. I thought I was already out. Free. Able to breathe and exhale like I have the right to, like you. Without fear, without consciousness.
I failed, yet again. Where is this going to stop. Where is this leading me to again? I don't wish to be more delirious that I am now, mentally. I am feeling so drained out. Washed out. I can't sleep thinking about this. The physical urge I have to purge was so strong. So strong, I had to binge and purge twice in the same day both noon and night.
Because of this, I think I am embarking on Atkins Diet to stop myself from craving all these binge foods. Maybe this will be my final attempt, but I doubt so. A little.
I shall perseveare this time. Hopefully I'm able to, maybe I'm able to.
Probably. Just wish me luck, yeah? I have nothing else to lose, nothing else to hold on to but hope. I just can't lose hope too easily. I have to do this.
3:48 a.m. - 2004-08-25
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