Yesterday.
I learnt that I am not selfish. Rather, I am just fussy.
How enlightening. Thanks Mister Gavjo!
Had a nice chat with him. We kept argueing about who was dumb or dumber and I ended up losing to him. He was just too patient to type 'dumb' like thousands of time. For the first time, I (K)ed him on the net. I thought it wasn't. I did that to everyone. Well, it's only on the net... but not to say I don't kiss around. I really do. Mostly with girls. Less than half with guys I know as friends.
Sexually-speaking, I have done everything but the penetration part. I don't wanna experience the pain. I don't want to know how it feels like to have the real thing. I want to keep the fear with me. I don't want to know everything. I don't want to lose myself to that moment.
It feels nice to know that I am not selfish. It feels sooo good. For such a long time, I believed I was, but it just didn't seem right. I have given my all to my loved ones. I have cared for them. I cried and still cry for them. Crying makes me weak. It makes me look pathetic, but it's my only resort. When others cry, I console them. When others have shit happening on them, I try to make it right. When they need help, I'll always there even when I know I need help more.
However when shit happens to me, no one is there for me. I could not just possibly depend on Farrah alone.. she's problematic already. When I cry, nothing but the pain and fear surrounds me. When I need help, I could only hear my heart breaking and feel it aching because I know I can never get it. I just have to handle everything on my own. I have given a lot.
I'm exhausted. I'm left with not much energy to contain all these thoughts and voices. My head feels light and heavy at the same time..
Yesterday I longed for someone to be by my side because my stomach was hurting and it would feel good if someone were to massage me there.
Or everywhere. I thought about me being pregnant and about to give birth...and no one was beside me yesterday. What if I would get married in the future, and ended up fighting the pain and suffering all by myself while my husband go around sleeping with whores and sluts? Seriously, my mind is always saying all these terrible what-ifs.
I am so afraid. I was so alone yesterday.
Thank you Gavin for being there.
11:10 a.m. - 2004-07-31
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