Today was one heck of an emotional rollercoaster. I started the day off, waking up late. My lazy eyes refused to believe that it was already 6.30am, way 15 minutes later than the time I was used to. I knew I had to quickly get up on my body and started to get ready for school. So I forced myself up.. took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, grabbed a mini chocolate bar (my daily morning ritual, then picked up the peanut bits in it, then threw the remaining away) and headed straight for my bag and went out of the house.
Totally formulaic. Totally robotic. My usual way of waking up. Nothing special. The day had not begun yet until I stepped into the school compound and everything just changed. Suddenly I was out there - exposed, in the open, from the darkness of the night in the lonely corner of my room. Every day I experience the same kind of feeling - anxious, dizzyness, and confusion. My wide empty world seems so much crowded and noisier in school. People talking, people moving about...everything just makes me feel so disorientated. Years have passed and I'm still not used to this. I can never get used to this... but I just act like I can, but because I feel this way so often, I am flexible - I can handle any kinds of situations. However, nothing makes me feel much at home or at peace but my room. There's no one in there, but I feel like I have company. It's where my feelings roam and my ideas flow, careless. It's where I know I can do anything I want, and feel good about it.
It was English, and as usual, we went to the computer lab to do one of our tasks, to find informations about places of the world.
I did it differently - I went around, reading people's diaries...people from all around the world and know the places from their points of view, instead of the rigid descriptions of the travel guides and specific sites. People matters more than the places. The people make up the countries, instead of the other way round. I logged into my diaryland account, to see if I received any messages or notes from those who cared - and yes, I found some, and I smiled. My spirit picked up a little. People care, I thought to myself. I smiled again.
Didi, a close friend in class, would always shake her head, smiling, and she would roll her eyes in a way that I could describe as very affectionate and funny. I would just make a funny face at her and she would turn away with a smile on her face.
Normally I don't like seeing people rolling their eyes, because I can see the resentment in their eyes, but I see warmth and happiness in Didi's. I don't know why, but she just generates this happy thoughts in my mind. She's nice and special, I have to say that she possesses certain qualities that makes me feel comfortable.
Then it was breaktime. As usual, I would meet my sis, Farrah, and we would eat together every day without fail. We had been together for 8 years, but only got closer to one another this year. Though we used to hate each others' guts, I think that just bonded us. We could joke about how we used to compete with each other in school. Sports, academic..everything. It was nothing to laugh about then, but now we see the foolishness of it all. I wonder if I am going to be that way ten years down the road, reading this diary, and laughing at myself for being so downright obsessed with my body... that, if I could finally attain certain amount of self-acceptance in 10 years. I really want that to happen...and I am working hard for it, I swear.
I ate something for breakfast, and I took much longer time than my other friends to finish it.. because with every spoonful I fed to myself, I was trying to appreciate it..to accept it...to recognize that my body needed it to run.. to nourish it. I'm beginning to do that...it's something that I have not done in many years.. in many months... too much purging and not much thinking for the past few years, it seems.
Math lesson and I was down on my energy level. Probably because I slept late the previous night and was feeling so drowsy. I tried to concentrate but I could not even think. Was given a sum to solve, and halfway through... I just couldn't, then D, my math teacher, came to my table and aided me in that sum. She was really patient...she would go around checking on us, to help us where we went wrong. If only I could have that in tough times...but no. She said, "You're on the right track," and I was surprised. "I am? No, this is wrong, isnt it?" I was so full of doubt. "No, you're on the right track, just keep on going." She assured me. That's what I need - assurance. And that really made me feel quite contented with myself.
If my mom and dad do that ocassionally, I would really be grateful. However, all they know is to give me hints so vague, I could teach myself how to grow up. Words like, "Well, you're only hitting a bumpy road. Not that it matters anyway," "You are smart and intelligent. Go figure out yourself." "Puberty changes your body, mind and everything else that are obvious." Yes, thank you parents, like I can't think of them myself. But then again, thank you for showing me the light, it shows how much you truly care about me. I'm not going to ask them for pointers anymore..they're useless and they just bring me down with their do-i-care comments.
Then ringggggg... it was the end of school and I burst out of the room and quickly got myself to the bus stop..and I saw Amellia, a good friend of mine, waiting for the same bus too. We are not from the same class, but we pass notes every day. So yes, that was one of the few times we chatted face to face - and it was nice. I planned to sleep through the 1 hr journey home, but she ended up taking away half that sleep, but I couldn't manage to sleep anyway - my mind could not switch off. Weird how minds work.
I only worked out for 40 minutes before my body signalled that it had had enough. Maybe due to fatigue or lack of sleep. So I relented and got home...slept for 2 hours. To read books about eating disorders and scribbling thoughts onto paper are two of the other favourites ways to relieve stress. The desperate quick fix would be bingeing and purging, but you know quick-fixes dont work - just like diets, but they're tempting arent they? If not, why are the Americans spending more than 20 billion bucks on gimmicks such as Grapefruit diets and weight-loss belts? Even slippers, oh my goodness. If I live on grapefruits, I wouldn't be here. I would be down there - six feet under. The maggots would all be skinny because not only would I be dead, there won't be anything much of me but skins and bones..which is what I would want to be, which doesn't make sense to anyone. And I, too. It's unexplanable, but it's what I want. It's not a need - it's a want. I want my wants more than I need my needs. I want a skinny physique more than I need to be healthy.
It's confusing. Mixed messages blended with million of nonsensical thoughts.
So I laid down on my bed, falling into some kind of superficial sleep. I forced myself to sleep, but I was well aware of what went on in my surrounding like I would be if I was awake. I could hear my mom asking my dad if he would like to eat. I could hear the radio playing stupid love songs. I could even hear the clock ticking. What's sleeping, now. My body is restless. I think it's only my eyes that need the break. It is probably tired of seeing too much misery and so much visual tortures like disgusting food.. dying stray cats.. homeless beggars.. stuck-up bitches..yeah.
Suddenly. My dad came into my room without my permission and yelled at me about how I should go out and communicate with them. God, I never got yelled so much...and when I get that kind of treatment, I know he means I have been really bad...but I don't feel like I have done anything wrong at all. I've been good..I don't wish to trouble them.. I don't want to participate in their talks which only revolve around insensitive jokes about fat people, ugly people..and basically it seems like a bitchfest. I don't wanna get into all that...normal people find them funny and endearing..and bonding, but I find it destructive..and just, it's not me. I didn't go out of my room, but I silently cried my heart out. I really really really want a very good functioning family...like what I see in sitcoms and tv shows.. not this one.. I really really really wish for a better, and a much concerned set of family.. I want to be loved.. I wished to be cared about... and I only get that when I'm sick. My best family experiences would be the times when I got into chronic state of pain... like when I fractured my arm.. or when I was possessed... when I got myself a chicken pox..those were very sweet memorable past..which involved both pain and happiness. Maybe happiness cannot exist without the presence of pain and sadness. I don't know.
So here I am. I really thought about killing myself before.. like mixing pills or stuffing myself until my stomach bursts. But I thought, I have come such a long way...so many challenges..and I have yet to conceive my own babies...my own family and make it a perfect one... or at least prove to the world that I would be able to love my kids...unlike my parents..and I would shower them with every single ounce of love I have.. to be there for them at all times.. to be their listening ears.. to be a GOOD mom, which I never would get for myself.. I want to be an important part of them... and I want them to be a part of me. Just like any obsessions, I don't wish for them to be obsessed about me.. or me getting too paranoid about them. However, body issues have been a part of me..which is hard to let go. The only way to let them go.. is to lose weight...then maybe I'll lose a part of me.. like 1/5 of my body... then maybe the body issues will go.. but for now, it's still here, because the weight is still on me..The way to lose all these depressive thoughts... is maybe to have a brain amputation...take out all the sensors and nerves that make up feelings...make them plastic..then maybe I'll be numb. Maybe I'll be emotionless and I won't be able to think anymore.
I know I wish that I would die.. but I know that wishes don't come true..and that's the hard fact. So I am not fearing that I will die.. I am just scared that what if impossibles are made possibles..? Then I would die. At this fucked up state of mind, I can still be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile...and tell myself that I am worthy...I am not ugly.. I am good enough for ME...
I love myself.. if you think I hate myself you're wrong. I love myself, that's why I am still here, breathing. I may not have or received love from my family or friends.. but as long as I love myself, then I'm not giving up. I'm not letting myself go.. I'm not very excited to meet God yet. I love myself too much to let it get fat. I love myself too much to let it be withered to death. I love myself too much not to hurt others because I'm not as low as what some people are...those people who bring others down just to feel good about themselves...that's sad. Bottomline, we love ourselves. Even a little, we still got it.
What I just hate about myself.. is that I am losing myself.. I am starting to.. like the air's liquid and I'm suffocating.. I'm choking and I just wish to get away from this but I can't. Instead I am feeling more and more tired of sttruggling with all these, I feel like taking in all the water and die. But no. I keep on struggling..swimming.. in a suffocating situations where people won't die of drowning.. but instead they suffer slowly.
3:16 a.m. - 2004-07-24
Recent entries:
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