I cried to myself in the bus like a wounded animal this afternoon. I felt like I deserved it. I needed to cry, because I know I couldn't at home.
Right now since the diary is blocked, and I trust and love so much of you guys who read this diary and actually encourage and give me the reasons to push on and live, I just want to express why I am so depressed about my family and why I am this way.
My family...we're like religionless. When I'm talking about God or something, I don't even know or have done anything towards him. It gives me nothing, or no drive to live on. I keep on wondering why I'm here. My family is clueless about God too. I don't even know why I'm talking about being a good person when I don't know who the hell am I living for. I believe in hell and heaven and I don't know what I have to do to go into one, and I guess I'm going to hell, because..
My dad.. he's a good dad. A great dad because he never beats the crap of anyone. He's such a gentleman and he's so "friendly" to me and everyone in the family. I feel like I'm not looking at my dad... that I'm looking at a room mate. But one thing I hate about him, is that he gambles and he smokes, and whenever I tell him the reasons why I don't smoke, and I ask him about why others do, he says, "No, smoking is bad, and it's not going to do you any good. Stupid people smoke" and I would shoot him back with, "Why do you smoke? Why are you not acting on your words? I'm not saying that you can't smoke (really.) but tell me WHY do you smoke?" and he'll just tell me that he doesn't know and that really makes me sad.
I mean, he told me before it was peer pressure, but he's giving me stupid reasons about withdrawals and everything. Why can't he just admit that he smokes and he can't stop because he doesn't have the determination to,and that it takes a lot from a person? I know the reasons why he smokes, but I need him to have the courage to be RESPONSIBLE for what he's doing.
I don't see myself smoking because I keep on guarding myself against peer pressure. I do what I want, and that's why I feel so left out. I see no reason why I should talk bad about others, because it's bad, and whenever I do, I find myself feeling so guilty and dirty for doing that. I can truly see myself abusing alcohol when I am old enough to.. because right now, I keep on curbing my anger and frustration by taking it out on Diet coke and the irresponsible side of me never wants to take it out on REAL coke because of its sugar content. Yeah, I still have the "health" thing on my mind, despite wanting to destroy myself.
My dad gambles... quite a lot. I can see why. Money is really hard to get. I worked for two days for crap and I didn't get paid because the rule is, I have to work for at least two weeks. Money is hard, and having shoplifted before, A LOT when I was small (believe it or not, I was taught to. But when I was caught, my mom showed me those mug shots and I was scared for life. But I have the questions, "Why are you teaching me to do this, and then tells me how I'm going to jail?" I am given mixed signals since I was a kid, and I was EXPECTED to think for myself because I have been academically good and actually the smartest and thats why they think I COULD THINK for myself, and indeed I could, and for others, But sometimes all I want is for somebody to fuss over me and WORRY about me instead of thinking that I would be alright and perfect all the time.
Phew. That's a long one. But really, I do feel too "grown-up" and whilst others are worried about petty things (to me. like friends, boyfriends, love. Why get involved when you can't handle those??!) I keep on worrying about the society, animals, my broken-family issue and about what I'm here for, God, future and etc. Teens DONT fucking care about that, so why should I? But I do. And I hate myself for that, sometimes.
My mom hates my dad's mom, but it's supposed to be that way. My dad's mom's vicious. She used to want my dad to break up with my mom and instigate some BAD arguments and tried to get my dad to fall in love with a girl. IT WAS SO VICIOUS OF HER. And I have grown to hate her, but I must admit her cooking is very good. But WAIT, she used to use BLACK MAGIC on my dad to be mean to my mom. I don't know why, but I AM WONDERING WHY MY GRANDMOTHER (May she dies fast.) LOVES TO SPREAD LIES ABOUT US, and in front of us, she will be sooooo fucking nice to us. She's a big bad hypocrite and she claims she's so pious and everything and she told me to go to classes and everything, then why doesn't she says so to her gambling son (my dad)???!!! What the FUCK. What kind of mother is she??!
I love my dad, really. I just don't think he is a good dad, in terms of instilling values ..especially to my younger brother. I won't be surprised if my brother grows up to be insecure and bullied, like me. He's introverted...like me. I think he's ashamed of us. Just look at us. WE ARE SO FUCKING SCREWED.
One of my uncles is a womanizer, the other is a convict (ex drug dealer) and the other is divorced. The other neglects their three kids and the wife is two-timing her husband. You know, when you are exposed with such... disorderness, you can't help but wonder, "WHY AM I IN THIS? WHY IS MY FAMILY THIS SCREWED? WHY CAN'T WE BE FUCKING NORMAL?" I swear, my friends don't have to live with this, they don't have to think about this.
My parents try to tell us not to be like them. I won't, but I am pressurised and stressed and think, "why are our lives so difficult? Why are we so wretched? To society, we're so screwed."
My dad... I don't blame him. We're not rich and even our computer is on you know, monthly instalment. We never travel. My brothers aren't really good academiclly and everyone thinks they won't, you know, get outside this "cursed" circle , but they all think I WILL, and my family thinks so highly of me, because I seem "sensible"? Fuck, I feel so responsible for the future of our family... and I promised my mom I would be successful, and actually buy her everything she wants when I grow up and now I am GREATLY SCEPTICAL about the future. I think I'm gonna die.
I HAVE NO DIRECTION OR GUIDANCE FROM MY PARENTS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID, THEY TOLD ME TO BE INDEPENDENT AND NOW WHEN I'm only FIFTEEN, I feel like I'm going to be thirty soon. Blessed I am, I don't have white hairs. I don't have pimples. I am blessed with the perfect skin that tells nothing of the worries I have.
I'm blessed with a face that smiles all the time and everyone thinks I'm this calm and collected person when I'm bursting inside with worries.
My mom, my dad, me, we belong to the kind of people who are just so diplomatic, we don't wish to use force at all. And as a result, we always smile to get away with everything and even when we use force, we feel bad with ourselves.
That's why I DONT KNOW WHATS THE USE OF BEING NICE, when I get bullied, and get misunderstood for being "too happy" when I am so depressed and so sad and so stressed and so AIMLESS towards what I'm living for.
I am GOING TO HELL,and when I die, I'm gonna be tortured... and I'm scared, and I don't even know whY I think I'm going to hell.
THEY ONLY LOVE ME WHEN I'm SICK AND THEY ONLY WANT ME TO BE PERFECT AND THEY ARE HYPOCRITES. My parents. They WANT ME TO BE GOOD AND I CANT BE GOOD AND I DONT WISH TO BE BAD, BUT I AM.
I am getting sicker and TIRED AND STRESSED EVERYDAY and I cry almost every day and CRAVE FOR SOMEONE TO JUST HUG ME, anD TEL ME THEY WORRY ABOUT ME, BUT MY PARENTS??
SOMETIMES I JUST WANT THEM TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME IF IM BAD. I WANT THEM TO BEAT ME. I WANT THEM TO ABUSE ME AND GIVE ME THE ATTENTIon, INSTEAD OF LETTING ME BE WHAT I WANNA BE,AND THEN TEL ME I HAVE TO BE PERFECT. AND NEGLECT ME AND I AM SERIOUSLY HATING THEM FOR NOT SHOWING ME THE KIND OF AFFECTION I NEED.
THEY DONT SHOW ME LOVE. THEY SHOW ME WHY I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THEM.
WHY DO PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE AN OBJECT AND NOT SOMEONE WHO NEEDS THE BASICS? LOVE, AND THAT'S WHAT I NEED.
I have no appetite to eat. But I eat anyway, I do, and I'm not skinny. But it doesn't matter. I know my value but right now, why can't my mom and dad think that their responsibility as parents are not only to get money or provide me food (I am telling you, I hate the food at home. THERES NOTHING. No bread, no milk, no apples... I can only eat maybe, meat, and veggies everyday? it's the same old BAD food.) and THEY HAVE TO ACTUALLY DIRECT AND BOND THE FAMILY TOGETHER AND STOP BEING SO NICE AND BE SAINTS AND HELP MY JOBLESS RELATIVES WITH MONEY AND WE ARE SCRIMPING like idiots!
I hate it when my dad tells me he has no money, even to buy food and pay for my books and then my friends and teachers ask,"WHY CAN"T YOUR DAD PAY FOR IT??!!""
FUCK, because my dad pays for my relatives and they're living off my dad and he is not even doing well in his job and he's getting on age, and he's gonna die, if I were him and he just cares about being a good person and NEGLECTING me!!! WITHOUT NEGLECTING Me, BUT I DO FEEL FUCKING NEGLECTED!!!
Oh my god, I am just so exploding inside but on the outside, I'm just the same old, same old and I CAN'T FUCKING FUNCTION IF EVERYONE AROUND ME DOESNT KNOW MY PROBLEMS. ESPECIALLY WITH MONEY AND INSENSITIVE PEOPLE LOOKING DOWN ON MY DAD FOR fucking taking the easy way out - gamble - to get money because I BELIEVE HE FUCKING NEEDS TO. BECAUSE MY UNCLES ARE LAZY IDIOTS, but jobs are hard to find, but the problem with them is that they ARE TOO EGO-FUCKING- ISTIC and DONT WANT TO TAKE UP LOW0PAYING JOB AND EXPECT MY DAD TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE THEY HAVE A BIG FAMILY TO SUPPORT.
And my fucking dad doesn't want to be the "bad" person to neglect them but he's ... fucking... killing... me.... without directly doing so, because he keeps his sadness inside and i feel that he's going insane and i feel for him but he doesn't wnat me to feel for him and I WANT TO ASK HIm "WHATS THE POINT OF BEING HIS DAUGHTER IF I DONT CARE ABOUT HIM" and he tells me to mind my own business.
You know what, I don't know. I care so much and he doesn't want me to care for him. And maybe he thinks that gives him the reason not to care about me.
I am so fucking tired, abused, neglected since fifteen years ago without knowing it and now when I know, I feel so used, dirty, sinned, and ugly and worthless and I know I'm not, but every day i wake up, and that's what I am.
Nobody loves me, and nobody cares except for those who send me notes. I dont know, but I thank you guys for reading me and know that I still have some fucking value and reasons to live.
Thank you so much...honestly. If I could die for you guys, I would.
9:18 p.m. - 2004-11-03
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