Today, at least till now, is an ordinary day. I talked so much to my partner, Missy. She is one person who I can crap and talk to and yet not get into any troubles. Because she's not my close friend and we know each other for three years. I was half asleep while listening to the fucked up biased History teacher lecturing and she was like hitting my table. I went, "What?" because everyone else was dozing off because we were allowed to... he was not talking about any serious things. So yeah, I was quite surprised why she woke me up.
"Come wake up and talk to me. I am so bored," she said.
Wow. That moment I felt really shocked, a little. I was quite surprised. I am mostly quiet in class and we talk, but not as much as today. I feel happy talking to her because she doesn't look at me in a weird way and we normally can talk about everything crap in this world. Since she's not a nerd or a complete snob like most people in my class, she's like one of the best people to talk to, which doesn't revolves around studying and getting high marks for subjects. She really loves to make funny remarks, man. She just talked to me about how our Chemistry teacher is similar to Popeye's wife, Olive.
The funny part was, the more I looked her, my Chem teacher, the more I agreed with her, which was mean. I was like grinning. She was making funny squeaky sound, trying to control her laughing gas. Thinking about that makes me kind of light-hearted and happy. Then we went on to crap about other stuff.
Goody. I'm actually feeling genuinely relieved. Not to say I'm happy, but I feel a little bit more light and appreciated. In a place where everyone looks at me like I was a freak, I feel very uncomfortable. Glad that I'm situated next to Missy now. A good thing that happened today, I must stress on that.
Maybe I'm going to approach my school counsellor about my problem.. but I think she looks at me like a freak too. I always bump into her in the corridors and walkways and she would be like, "How are you? Are you okay? Do you have a problem? Is everyone treating you right?"
I know she was only being concerned...but that is not very pleasant. My mates who overhear that will be going up to me and ask me about myself and I feel like I'm being scrutinized again. What problems, they would ask and would look at me in a strange cold manner. I'd be like, "Nothing." What I mean from there is, "Nothing that you need to know." But I didn't say it out loud. I don't want the whole world to know. The fact that I'm writing here means that everyone in the world with a computer has the potential to, but hey, I don't know you and you don't know me and we're complete strangers who know each other through words..through stories.. and we feel for each other's writing, not us, not everyone. We are in our own worlds. If only I can reach for your hands by pressing mine against the screen, but we can't.
Even if I know you in real life and you happen to know me, that's none of my business. I don't need to feel concerned about it, but it will be best if you fuck off and don't come again. If I dont want you to read mine, you're only committing something to be guilty about. Why not you get your own life, rather than reading about my life? Yes, I do have a life to lead, but it's not as simple and as good as yours, and because I am not blessed with people with listening ears and crying shoulders, I can't. Even if I do, I can't trust them. You get me? I'm writing here, because it's a place where I feel safe to express myself.
If you're gonna make it unsafe, or inaccessible for me to vent my emotions, it's my right to tell you to fuck off and to make you accept that you're not to come in here. But I will not block this diary. You're only being a dumbass who doesn't understand simple English.
I used to lock this diary because I felt ashamed. I felt like I was something else because of my ED. But now in order to recover, I believe I have to accept the fact that I have the disorder and am willing to overcome the fear. I'm not here to publisize my weakness, neither am I intending to talk about my strength and blow my own trumpet.
My only purpose here is to express myself when I can't do so to an actual human being. That is why sometimes you see me not updating much because I have expressed it in other way. Maybe I have written a poem, or chatted with a good friend about it, or perhaps have slipped the problem out of my mind or purged it out with food. You know, things like that.
I am just hoping those who know me and whom I am not letting to read my diary will learn the meaning of respect and leave this cyberspace immediately, even if it's not going to be locked at all.
---------------
I'm freezing. The lab must be under 16 degrees. I'm lacto-ovo vegetarian now...because I don't want to be a hypocrite, caring for animals and doing the opposite. I know I should have been a vegan to be completely truthful to my beliefs and stand, but doing so is too tedious and will only invite future conflicts that will result to more problems. You know how much my mom hate it when I was a vegan before. Besides, I have absolutely no patience to look up for synthetic leather stuff (which I cant afford, but I have an old sofa with that material) and vegan glue.
Why are there so many animals by-products and veggy stuff to do with animals? I have absolutely no idea why there's meat product in baked beans. For goodness' sake, it's BEANS and since it's labelled vegetarian, it should be completely BEANS!
Fuck, let the world screws up. It already is, anyway.
2:12 p.m. - 2004-08-27
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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