I am not ill, but I feel out of myself. That alone, is a sickness. A terrible one for me, when I decided not to enter the school compound and head home instead.
I am not sure. Now that my eating disorder is under control, all my problems come rushing in. Ana used to disguise them and I was blinded. Problems were covered up by running away from them to Ana and now I am thoroughly exposed and nothing is the same anymore.
Everything has changed. Ana used to be my center. Now what's my center now? I have lost my stability and struggling to keep upright. My vision is still a blur.
I have no regrets though. In fact I'm proud of myself. My heart doesn't belong to school anymore. I used to have this desire to learn. But now the desire to discover things to myself is greater than learning things straight out of the book. Sense of relief comes rushing to me when class is dismissed. If I have no interest in it anymore, I don't see why I should be there. It's just for show, isn't it? I do enjoy some lessons, but today I left myself at home and had to get back there.
I'm going to the doctor soon. Thank God for the cough he blesses upon me, and the upcoming flu which I'm going to create.
1:53 p.m. - 2004-08-13
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