I wish recovery is that easy. You know, make up your mind to be a little healthier and get on with life.
Like you. You.
And You.
However it's never like that at all. Anorexia and bulimia is not just a part of my life - it is my life. I have other things going on like you... I have the times when I can forget about my disordered self and have fun, but those are sacred. To get rid of anorexia and bulimia is the same as trying to throw away my identity and my characters and be a whole new person, all over again, and I don't have the energy and time to do that. I am truly exhausted and all I can do, is just to get over this recovery hope and pretend everything is okay. It is somewhat easier than to plan and put all my energy trying to recover, but still fall down and deeper again the next time. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. Hope so far, it's like attempting to reach the flicking stars in the sky.
People look at me and they won't think I am struggling with all these. I look peaceful enough to pass out as any other teenagers. Alright, teenagers love to get on a diet and get off it as soon as they start a new one, but I am not like that. For three years, I am stuck in this complicated web of confusion. It's not just a diet - it affects my being, my life, my social relationships and everything. Basically, anorexia is kind of everything I have right now. I don't ever think I can get away from it.
Don't tell me to think positive - I am just trying to be realistic. I HAVE TRIED SO HARD. Don't tell me to try my hardest.. I have. I am running out of energy. Hope is always there, but how near and how far it is, I don't know, but now, I can say that it's impossible. I can never eat feeling safe and secure. All the time, people just love to see me fatten up and lose control. Sometimes I look into the mirror and really genuinely feel happy that I look nice and beautiful... sincerely thought so, until I step on the scales and that really kills every positive thoughts I have about myself.
What gives the scales so much power to control what I feel about myself? I don't know. Seriously. What devil is that scales? Oh.
I am one of the millions struggling with this just to get the scale turn to the left side... who cares about me? I'm just a statistic.
Today I felt so angry about my 7 pound weight loss, I cried so hard, and my mother telling me to throw the plastic bag of vomit in the room didn't help either. I would really appreciate if she told me to STOP vomitting and eat properly..instead of telling me to dispose them. They don't care about my well being.. they're like my everything and they ruin me... I don't know who to run to anymore. I have nobody. I cannot depend on them.
I wanna run away so badly from here. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't they urge me to recover, instead of giving me the impression that they dont love me anymore and that they dont care if i am losing weight or vomitting all the food and causing a major health complication to myself?
I don't wanna love anyone anymore. Everyone that I love, kills me. My ex best friend betrayed me for the bitch who she hated before. Hypocrite. My parents... dont even start on it. My friends dont want to talk to me, because they think I am the makings of a freak. Farrah... I love her a lot, but I cant possibly depend on her all the time..she has too much to handle on her own.
Basically, I have no one. Why do I even care to elaborate?!!
So it will be my fault if I turn selfish?! YOU SIMPLY DONT UNDERSTAND. Even when I'm selfless...being nice to you, and shower you with all my love, YOU TAKE ME FOR GRANTED. I love you more than I love myself and yet you DONT even bother.
Oh. Go away..
11:37 p.m. - 2004-08-09
Recent entries:
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