freakymandy's Diaryland Diary

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an hour and 7 minutes. non-stop, fingers work.

Today. I don't talk to anyone (in real life) other than my mom, my younger brother. Period.

For a period of less than 20 minutes collectively, and possibly, thank God for that.

It used to be perhaps "a few seconds". But gosh, I felt so interrogated today.

Suddenly she says, "Hey, Im leaving 10 bucks, you *points at me* buy what food you guys (me and younger bro..i wish i could call him "small" bro, but he's taller than me now. Ok, much bigger than me. I am freaking short, I know. *grin to self*) need to eat.. we're (mom & dad) going out to somewhere"

Wow. I'm like, "Yay. Ok, where's it?" I'm smiling to myself now.. because maybe I have used the money in a different (and if they know it, they might smirk) way but at the same time, makes me filled. (the hunger.. to me, there's really a different way to make it disappear, not only food.)

I could remember about three weeks ago, they just leave us with freaking nothing but um.. biscuits and tea. LOL. I mean, I don't want biscuits and tea. So me and my younger bro were like "angsty" and "aimless" cuz we were trying to find a thing to "do" to forget this hunger. (Yeah, the last time we ate was prolly 8am, and the next was like, 9pm. A lot of water sips in between.)

Me, of course, on my computer. My bro, sleeping. We were in a "I can't function" state of being. It's funny to think of it..we were so "dead".

So today, my responsibility to buy food.. urgh. My bro wanted KFC (fuck. I was like, "You want.. KFC? Why not BK?") and my bro, as always, very stubborn (like me) and said, "No. I WANT kfc.)

Urgh. Lousy job. Trauma. *smiles to self* Ok, but he doesn't need to suffer. But. But.

URGH. I still needed to pick up the courage to freaking look at the girl at the counter and feel collected when inside I was like, "I WAS THAT GIRL!" and prolly would be laughing to myself if I wasn't aware of anyone. But I was. teehee.

Gee, the kitchen was so dirty! So oily and the smell.. after an hour in it, I was used to it, but very oily and your face felt so infested.. grr.

My face. Urgh. I'm never gonna abuse my face with such.. weird dirty air.

Gosh, I am such a doll if someone really take me and kill me and look at my heart and see what's all written there like "Mandy is concerned about the air, so beware, don't smoke" should you be able to have that "special way" (which no one has)to know a person, without all the pretense, without all the acting.

I'd prolly tell you, "Gosh, urgh, don't smoke, it's choking me.. Helpppppp." but outside, I'm like, "Oooh. I'm fine. My dad smokes. I can take this. So.. the sky is blue..."

With the current car smokes and every "scary" images like the amount of smoke the train emitted.. wow, I say, I'm prolly not buying a car in the future unless my career "look" needs me to look swanky and glamor and fucking rich.

I'd prolly be myself by walking. Gee, the BLACK smoke. I'd be a contributor to the bad (h)air condition. But hey, a car will be a nice neccessity.. but wont make me feel good.

Weird. But I know I might feel good, with a car. But I want (want. Not need.) a nice car.. if I have the money.. but I want no one to feel intimidated by it. You know, like as if I'm some fucking stuck up with a shining car.

Strange. My brain just can't decide on one stand now.

I honestly dont see the attraction of guys with huge, GRAND, expensive car. If he's a nice guy, I'd prolly say cool. But if he's a jerk but hopes that his car might get him chicks, urgh, I'm not one of them.

And today I found "gavin-joel" in my notes with no words. Hah. Gavin, I get it, but I'm NOT giving up. (interesting story behind this, but not telling.) Gavin, you ass, talk to me. I'm no longer begging. *smiles widely*

Feeling like an ass. Have not replied Radiogurl's mail.. trying to feel "complete" before attempting to reply.. sometimes I feel unprepared for such a personal e mail. I need to know what Im doing.

And I can't be doing what I should be doing if I'm feeling strange.

My words prolly gets stuck. Where? I dunno. I want them fluid. I want them perfect without having to try.

Back to the $10.. urgh, spend money on KFC (AHH! EVIL.) and me? I actually bought a magazine for myself. It's a woman's magazine. (it's been soooo long. about 5 days. The urge was killing me.)

Woman's. Damnit, I'm just 15, I shouldn't be reading that.

But I don't like Seventeen. I don't want posters. I don't want cute boys. I don't want to look at kids my age. I don't wanna read problems about boyfriends.. I don't wanna read about school... I want not to be reminded of anything with school. I don't want silly DOH diet tips like, "eat a balanced diet" fuck, shut up. It's not as easy as it sounds.. healthy foods are much more expensive than cheaper but crap foods.

I want reality. I want a magazine that tells me new stuff. I'm sorry, I'm THIS curious about discovering new things.. telling me DOH things prolly makes me feel a *little* irritated inside.

Reality = isn't about school and getting As. Reality = prolly work.

Ok, I love those fun horoscopes and quiz. :D And those advices.. lol.

I love Prevention. Those silly informations like "ice cream diets REALLY WORK!" and there's actually *proof* really makes me feel like O.o. And that's what I want. Tell me things I don't know.. I have this amazing hunger to know everything.

Haha, yeah. That magazine really actually makes me feel *full* without actually eating a lot. I bought milk and a cheese sandwich. Prolly amounts to 300, and all I have eaten today is just a slice of bread, 6 spoons of cornflakes, a glass of tea and that milk and sandwich.

No fruits! No vege! Of course, I ate so little, but I can't eat. I feel *full*.

The physical hunger inside me beckons me to eat. "Eat...eat.. damn it, EAT!"

I'm not gonna. Shut up. I don't want to. And that's final.

I know I am not hungry. Today I have done many things to fill me up.. I've spent like, 8 hours on the net today, and I learnt a lot.

I learnt about cutting and why people cut. I learn their pain. I learn that there's this guy who likes classical music

(bleh, i tried to like it. But i can't. I slept in two concerts already. Wasted some free tix someone bought for me to go along with her.. poor girl)

and i asked him what made him (Really. WHO LISTENS TO CLASSICAL? but it's interesting to know why he likes it.. I hope it's another reason than just "it calms me down.." Yes, i can say it does. It makes me sleep.) likes it.

He has not replied. Maybe he's just like me.. waiting for the perfect time to.

But I sure do hope he will. It's so hard to find someone who likes Beethoven (Oh MY GOD. *THOSE* familiar tunes.. I wanna cup my ears with my hands.) and I wanna know what makes them like it.

ME? Ok, I listen to a lot of music, and I don't care if it's *N sync, or it's their dance moves (yeah, great looking guys, very athletic.. I loved them.) or Micheal Jackson (don't disturb him. I love his robot moves. He's still the King of Pop, phedophile or NOT.) and it's something they are really good at.. and it feels good to admire them. Something to look up to. Some bands produce music with awesome play of instrument..and tsk tsk, you know i CANT play ANYTHING, so yeah, maybe liking them, or listening to them, makes me feel glad that though I can't make music, at least some dudes know how to. Lyrical talents.. and the "beats" they have to just dance.. and the coordination.. and the ability to be around people and feel like a queen. (Some people really FEEL like a queen) Those people... I say I admire them.

Things that I wanna have but can't, and if I find people who have it, I have this *fascination*. Examples, girls with six packs (DAMN IT. I TRIED for a year. I COULDN'T. I GAVE UP. and will pursue it if I work in the future and have the money and WILL hire a trainer to help me achieve it. I have to.)

And doctors. Freak, they take my hand and feel my pulse and BY THAT ALONE, they know what sickness I have. (That takes some great brains. Wow.)

And those people who are 5'7" and above. Tsk tsk. I'm 5'6.5". HALF AN INCH. Ok, I shall not stress myself. *Smiles* That's why you see, I love my shoes. Shoes rock. Shoes give me at least half an inch to make me 5'7". Yay. (laughs at self. Stupid girl. Half an inch is nothing, but that's your dream, huh? Too bad, you are who you are.Accept it.)

(Gee. Talented and *blessed* people. *jealous* I'm a fan.)

I could prolly look at someone you hate and say to myself, "Gosh, she has this ability to make someone hate her and she doesn't even feel guilty for making people's lives miserable".

Abilities. Talents. Brilliance.

Things I'm after but prolly not able to achieve.

But I feel so good about myself today. So good, I can say I love myself today. I remembered Alicia, and to make someone trusts me in just a two weeks of friendship, MEANS SOMETHING. Maybe I am a good friend or a feel-good person to be with, despite how urgh I am.

I feel like I'm something today and that makes me happy.

Today I'm not nothing.

And someone wrote on the net, and I think it was great.

"Loneliness is the feeling that you get when you can't be with yourself."

Yeah. I can't possibly kick myself out of myself. I have to tolerate who I am. Despite how much I want that half an inch (WAA!) and how much I want milk to be at home all the time (ok, I'm responsible for finishing that 1L of low-fat milk in a day, MOM.) but can't get them, I WILL NOT DIE.

I have to survive somehow. Despite the reality that my thirst for knowledge needs to get AWAY from me.

(believe me. One of those nights, sometimes I couldn't sleep because a question pops up. Something ridiculous and CANNOT BE ANSWERED. Like, "I wanna know why I'm here".)

and then silly me, went to a search engine and typed, "Why are human beings here on Earth" and then opinions..religions.. non-believers..believers.. moms.. students..

OPINIONS.

and those are not facts.

And I stayrf awake until 6am (? BETTER OFF DONT SLEEP! take coffee), thinking about it. And then my final OPINION, was, "I'm here, cuz my dad and mom had sex. Then I am formed. Sperm and egg."

Then dismissed that as the "truth" when I know it was not..but i lied to myself, and slept.

Tomorrow, I asked myself, "So all I am, is just a sperm and an egg? REALLY?"

And u prolly know. I spent the next day, being so affected, and thinking and figuring who I am, was all that I felt I did the whole day.

Now, my brain asks: Is there anyone who's as curious as you?

And I shall lie to it, "YES. And if he's a he, he can prolly be my boyfriend and when I ask him silly questions... he better has an answer to it, regardless of how silly. I just want an answer. And if he's my boyfriend, I would trust him. And what he says, is true. UNLESS I BEGIN TO DOUBT HIM. then prolly i have not loved him..enough. I dont wanna love someone who says SHUT UP to me, because if I can, I would."

But I'm me.. and I can't push myself away.

I want to escape from myself and have SILENCE. No inner voices. JUST ME AND SILENCE. but too bad, i can't.

Insomnia. My new friend.

I have not listened to music for about two weeks because lately it's so noisy inside me, those inner voices. and if i listen to any music, I just hear "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UPPP!!!" screaming inside me.

OH ME. WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT UP.

In real life, I'm quiet. To the point of either being dumb. So dumb, you will prolly feel awkward with me.

And if I love you so much, as much as i love my *close* friends, I have no problems, talking, crapping, revealing, crying, EVERYTHING, with you, for you.

And I will feel so happy.

But I don't want to talk to just anybody.... I want to talk to people who I know wont shut me up because I know they talk BACK to me instead of being dumb walls.

(I am a dumb wall to certain people, I know)

But close friends.. I should feel like we could both listen. And talk, instead of not caring, and shifting the other aside.

Tough job, having me as a *real life friend. Tough, tough, with my questions that you'd prolly not want to hear. And prolly lose sleep over them.

But I bet not. My friends sleep before 10pm.

And my bed time is irregular, depending on how quiet and how NOISY my brain is.

And lately, My brain...I *FEEL* like killing it and shutting it down.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

(ok, that feels good.)

I gotta go. The more I stay, the more I know I can't sleep.

I go read something. Or maybe call Alicia and say Hi, and then if I have nothing to say, maybe a BYE, SEE YA!

I. AM. SO. RANDOM. AND MY INNER SELF . IS. SO. N O I S Y.

I miss music. SO MUCH. But I dont wanna be tortured.

(My toes look nice.)

END. I really gotta go. But I'm still online. You know what I mean?

(you prolly don't)

8:10 p.m. - 2004-11-07

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