freakymandy's Diaryland Diary

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just twenty minutes of contradiction.

This is going to be a short rant. I promise you.

Believe me.

People who thinks I am smart or intelligent or even sexy (I know some people. WEIRD. but whatever) or compassionate or curious or nerdy or rebellious...

SHOULD NOT THINK SO. In fact, DO NOT.

Because I am fully aware. There are many other people who are better than me, in every other way and should I say I am smart, may I die with you guys stepping on my graves.

But I will be sarcastic with my words. I will have "good" confident days. And of course, I will have lousy days.

But perceiving a matter in a different or weird way, does not make me mature, or intelligent. Or great.

Those words. I dunno, will probably describe God. He's meant to be perfect.

Not one of us. Not any of us. And of course, not me.

We all have weakness. We all have things to admire. I am guilty of my own thoughts.

I go around complimenting because I feel they need to know they are smarter than me. At least I feel that way.

But I would say I would go too far, saying someone is the smartest person I know. And I dont know anyone who is. There are smarter people, but not smartest, regardless of how high your IQ is. Heck, I dont care about mine. It could prolly be 10 to 3000. The person who creates this system, may only have 100 points. And those smart people may turn out to be the stupids and those stupids may turn out to be the smarts.

Because all the As you get, is all the Fs others' opinions MAYBE worth.

Like atoms. We actually don't know what it is. It's just a theory. If I have some powerful influence, I could twist your mind and make you believe it's cat shit.

But it's not. It's not correct. It's not wrong. Atoms is just there.. just to give an update, just to keep people's brain alive. Cuz if we stop learning, our brain has no function but to tell us to breathe, walk, run, eat and ... wouldn't it be boring?

On that note, I am aware of saying "No... I am not.. you are better" because you may not feel like you are. But I know that you are. Because I know who I am. And my instincts.. I say, make who I am. My actions.. make who I am.

But that doesn't make me anything. I find myself strange, but when I look at others sometimes, they are STRANGER than me.

Changes.

Everywhere.

There is no point arguing.

In forums, you see people flaming others. And it generates hate.

So why start?

Philosophers is not correct all the time. They get credit for what they believes in.

I believe we are our own philosopher. It's only a matter of fame and popularity.

And it's ok. We think, and learn, and say words, not for fame, but perhaps for sanity and need.

That's for me. And that's why Im here. I allow myself to judge me. But I hope you guys don't think of me as anything. Don't describe me even if I ask you to. Resist it. Do not make me.

And if I describe how much I love your work, or you, it's just my opinion. Nobody needs to love me, and nobody needs to hate me.

I don't want to fight.

But seriously, we are judging others, good or bad.

May lead to bad things.

I find her-story very upbeat, funny, and generally a good mom.

(I bet if my mom is internet savvy, she could probably be able to be funny. But since she doesn't, I dont know what's going through her mind. And it's sad.)

She can say she's not, but I will always believe she is.

So what is this? I am so fucking stubborn and you can be too.

But I say, RESPECT. Everyone deserves it. Blind, ugly, beautful, short, tall, gigantic, petite, dwarf. Red, white, blue, latin, mongolian, monkeys, cat.

Urgh. Anything.

And that's why I'm uncomfortable with myself, because I can't stop myself from loving people for who they are.

And I feel awkward when people love me for who I am.

it's one of the unexplanables.

(and this whole entry is wrong, to you. But it is for me. But respect it. )

Because I will respect yours.

And gosh, sorry for keeping you here for this (shit, to you, if you think it is.) but this diary is locked and if you come back and want to come back, there must be a reason.

And when I go to yours, it's because it's worthy.

To me, we're all unfit to judge. We are not perfect, it doesn;t give us the right to be judged, or judge.

See, there's always a flaw, there's always something to be guilty about. Perfection is crap, but anything CAN be crap.

Perfection is just one of those things people are chasing after, but are aware they are impossible. But it certainly makes what my life is. Some people die for wars. Some people die for love. I wont feel regretful dying for perfection. Pointless, just as chickens dying to be my food. Cannibals eating my flesh, I am just a human. We are nothing special. But we are special.

I'm sure you understand. People who are religious feel so good cuz they hold dear about what they believe in, but those who force it on others... *big sigh* I'm sure God desires peace. We are what we make to be. Anti-Bush, anti-kerry, anti-everything. You know, fuck it, just take everything, and throw them out. You don't love anything. And you find yourself loving something. Just don't use force. And if you wanna, use it on you. I believe in that personally. I'd rather hurt myself, than hurting others. And if everyone thinks like that, the world still has a BIG problem.

I wanna run away from problems. That alone, gives me another problem.

I say, we are all SO FLAWED. and those who think they are so perfect may not be a case of confidence. it might be a case of a real problem that needs to be fixed. But hey, it does beats getting low-selt esteem or depression. But I'd probably be sick and tired of saying this, but I am GENUINELY happy that I am depressed. I am but an oxymoron. I contradict. A LOT. FOr all you care I'm probably a TRUE REAL asshole. But I'm just saying I'm not and I've got proof. But I've got proof why I'm an asshole too. Like, if your skirt is ugly, I tell it to you if it's probably gonna make somebody laughs at you. You'd probably hate me for life, but it's ok. Or you would probably be told, "Hey, that's an awesome skirt!" but you have to think for yourself. Dont believe in everything you read. Honestly when I become a mom one day, I'll tell my son, "As are not everything, but if you get it, you'd probably thank yourself for it. Because you *MIGHT* earn big bucks and money makes people happy. BUT MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING. but i dont wish for you to feel so sad not having your fave food around. *tsk tsk, think about how much I desire milk now and there's none home. And I am left with nothing. But my magazine will curb that.* But I want him to get everything. Without being pampered or materialistic. I don't know how it's gonna be done, but I'm doing it. Son, I love you regardless if you're handsome or ugly. Urgh."

Nothing can ever be SO right that everyone (and i mean everyone) will agree to it. There have to be pain. There have to be happiness. Weird, I BELIEVE there is no point of writing this one, but to just kick this devil in my brain for the 20 minutes i spent here. (he will come back) See ya. (wait, I saw something in forums and it hits me. It says, "There's no black and white. There's only gray". I have never thought of that much. Perfection and imperfection may not exist. Probably just averages.. Damn, I am so glad I wake up today and see that the sky is blue. (little happy things make me glad im here. and those big ones... Im guilty of not being able to see them, sometimes. Like the fact that I have a room. I attended alot of camps and those mosquitoes were so irritating. I killed them. I sure am glad my room is mosquito-free. God, I thank you.)

6:51 a.m. - 2004-11-08

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