I have a reason for not updating for two days? I think.
It's because I think I escaped the last two days from the usual "down" and "blues".
I totally lost myself, and became so impossible... so unreal. I talked NON-STOP to my mom and my brothers until they told me, "Hey, it's late, go to bed".
I told them about how much I hated school and how unfair everything seem (I said "seem" but I know everyone has the same feeling too and I'm not the only one) and how much I feel I was misunderstood by the girls in school
(Note: there is no boys. I attend an all-girls school because my ex-best friend of three years wanted to go to that school..as she was forced to get in, and she ended up not cut to get into it cuz she lacks the As...fucking idiots who make school system and separate us. Oh well.)
and surprisingly, they ACTUALLY TALK TO ME. Oh god, it's been more than a year... it's been so long since I know something new about them... we had been so quiet. So quiet and rarely talked..and suddenly we were like old friends catching up. It felt so good. So magical. And suddenly, I was like, "Thank god." when i was like, "God, why?"
It all seems so stupid. It's so hard to get them to sit and chat with me. Especially about school..and they don't even know what I was in school and never asked and suddenly I was sharing with them about my life... it's like a stranger coming up to you and say, "Dude, let me tell you about my school."
It was strange and I was so scared of being rejected coldly or harshly by them. I would definitely cry if they don't chat with me back and I'd be only talking to a dumb wall.
Since a long time, I will think that the hole ... the mystery emotional hole is filled.. and it'd be perhaps 2 weeks before it starts to drain out, but still, 2 weeks is a long period of time.
I'll be positive, I promise. Radiogirl, Her-story, Gavin-Joel (who reads but never leaves comments.. it's like God. I'm sure He's there reading me, but never gives me any signs. *scary thoughts*), Bloodstream (meow,she's my Cat) and Dark-doll (Claudia)... I won't disappoint you. And thank you so much for making one of the hardest point of my life a little less hard to handle.
It's like old friends catching up.. me, my brothers... (especially the small one who I thought did not want me anymore. I mean, did NOT love me anymore, but perhaps he still does.. I could feel *it* finally), my mom... especially my mom... she actually jokes around with me... in like, years.
We were unhappy with ourselves. And suddenly two days ago we started to pull out small silly tricks with each other. Like her teasing me and make fun of me when i was a kid (about 8-10?).. like I would take my grandma's picture and kiss it and tell her (in the pic) i love her and miss her to the picture and cry because of that every night without fail and my mom *had to* hide that picture one day, just to see how bad my reaction was and to just make me realise that I *would not die* should one day, she disappeared.
That was a sad but truthful reality I have to face. The person I love most won't be with me forever.. but I won't die, but I'd probably miss her so much to cry about it.. most of the nights when I'm reminded of her.
Oh well. I thanked my mom for being so "mean". But i know she meant well. But I would definitely curse her, if I knew that she was the "culprit". I thought I lost that pic and I felt so lost for a period of time.
It was a ritual that helped to make me feel "wanted" and suddenly it vanished. You know, I felt so, "damnit, i feel so odd!"
There was a lot of talks. Like, I asked my ickle brother what was his fave color, food, drink and some things have changed and some have not.
(I was so outdated and uninformed. I lost him, but now, found a little of him. And I'm happy.)
They used to be red, roast chicken, and coke. Now, they've changed. The red became blue. The roast chicken remained. The coke became water. I was like, "You never liked water." And he said, "I have to watch my face. I have pimples now and maybe coke makes it worst."
My heart: "NooooOOOo. Don't be a health freak now, boy. Stop it, drink coke."
Lol. But it's so cute. He's *thinking* about his image now. DAMN IT. I'm so scared he's gonna change too much. He used to be so unconscious of his image.
Bllllaaaarrgghh. Now he's gonna be like me, fussy, picky and always have something to justify his action.
Like, I asked him what he wanted to be when he turned an adult. And he was like, "A policeman...but before that, I'd be a punk. I'd dye my hair yellow, blue, red, chrome, all in one head."
I was like, "A punk policeman? Freak ass..."
My mom was like, "It's cool, it's fine. Do all the crime and suddenly come up to the department and say, Uhm.. yeah.. I have realised my mistakes.. Then the policeman will look at you and think, i think i see you before.. you with the ass clown hair.."
To think about it, it was funny and lame, but made me chuckle. No, it made us chuckle, not me alone. My younger brother was still so immature. He talked about how he would eat bananas and hundreds of people chasing after him if he killed someone and he would throw those skins behind him.
I was like, "No.... don't kill.. but seriously, you would prolly have an asthma attack, running too fast and too much."
Poor boy.. he's asthmatic. Grr, I deserve to have it and he deserves to be normal.
And suddenly my mom told me about who she was back in school... and she was the "hot stuff" in school, being chased by guys and guys volunteering to do her homework to win her heart.. it was funny.
Then I joked about why out of all guys, my dad? Because they were so different and yet they could love each other? Though my father is fucking skinny (VERY VERY SKINNY.. I think, at his skinniest, 6'2" and 110 lbs? I dunno. but his waist..oh my god, I could prolly snap it into half. That was at his skinniest.. and he's still skinny now I gues.. 130 lbs? i know love is so much more than physical attraction, but my mom was sought after by so many hot guys..and my dad happens to be this scrawny kid.. ok, i am guilty of laughing :P) and my mom is like slim before.. until she got us and got plump but how, what, HOW COME my dad still loves her though I know my dad loves beautiful women. Haha, who doesn't?
Maybe it's something I'll discover about love.. being heartbroken and left behind and (Ok, I have a lot to say about my sex life, but it's my most private issue of my life and never revealed it much to anyone.. because i dont trust it with anyone, but when im all alone, i feel so dirty. and wrong, and sometimes it haunts me) so many *things* happened and it makes me feel so urgh about love and never feel like I could trust anyone again in my life.. but.. maybe i will change.. i hope i will..
when i look at both my parents laughing and pinching each other, it just makes me realise there's so many things.. not just the obvious things that keep two persons together. but i don't know.. i have not discovered about it..
I will. I pray that i will. I want to be able to feel complete. And useful. And loved, most importantly and I know my mom feels that. She never cries. And she never feels self-conscious of herself and amazingly, she never feels ugly, or fat, or imperfect.
I think she's one self-assured person who seem to have the perfect life, despite having to put up with three fucked up kids.
I hope to be so complete. I hope to feel complete one day. Just like her, no matter how bad/good/weird/rebellious she is as my mom..cuz she really hates me to go to school sometimes, cuz she knows i hate it and she knows she used to hate it.
She told me, "What the hell, i dont like your school. Why are there no boys there? Poor girl, I hope you find guy friends outside cuz seriously guys are wonderful creatures. Don't go to school tomorrow..shh, i'd write a letter to excuse you." and I was like, "Wonderful? They could be so bad..so cruel.. jerks.. but I know they can be good..especially when they used to chase after you. You must feel so special. :) yay.. that's cool.. haha, you are strange. but thanks, i'd appreciate not going to school..anytime *wink*."
Two days ago i didn't go to school. Because my mom wanted me to go out with her...
I'm not to blame.. it was a time well spent for both of us. And i realised how much I loved her..and how much she loved me.. though she never said I loved you.. I cried thinking about this. Maybe I was so wrong about her. (I am such a horrible person. she LOVES me and i refuse to think she does. does she? really?)
Nobody knows.
---------
Today the whole family went out together for a nice dinner.
And since Christmas is coming (we dont celbrate it.. we just.. you know, treat it like a day we have to wear beautiful new clothes and everyone gets new shoes..and new clothes..)
and today we did the shopping.. and I BOUGHT THIS AMAZING PAIR OF STILLETOES (sp?) oh my god, i love heels. You know how much I wish I am taller..and since I'm 5'6.5", that shoes make me be 5'11" when I put it on..and it felt amazing..and when i wear it, i feel so good. Lol, unrealised dreams... I pray that my future kids will be tall... it'd be a dream comes true. *smiles to myself, fantasising the perfect family and home* but its ok, not everyone wants to be tall. i want my kids to feel secure and feel accepted unlike me. i want to make them feel good.
-----
Alicia called me and she opened up about her family to me and we were both like, "Oh no! I hope you feel better... you're good nevertheless.. my mom is like..." and she will be like, "No, she loves you! my mom is like.." and I assure her and say that, "No, YOUR MOM LOVES YOU!" and we keep saying the same things and end up laughing, crying, and sharing secrets with each other. And then I asked her, "You have best friends?"
and she said, "Yes, I do."
I asked, "Uhm.. am I one of them?"
And she said, "Yes. Especially you."
and i was like, "OH NO! YOU TOO! I wish you're here.. I wanna hug you!!"
and she was like, "YEAH! We are best friends now!"
and that moment just assures me that no matter how unwanted i feel that i am, i am still a somebody in some people's lives..and i have to believe it, and believe that i deserve them, because they think they deserve me, and it's so weird.
I have to shed tears thinking about it. I am so used to feeling so unwanted and so lonely and so rejected and shove aside.. feel so small and invisible. And Al actually thinks I am special to her in her life.
*sigh* I wish to hug her.
She introduced me to "complete, normal" foods. Like lasagna. Brown rice with baked fresh fish. And she eats with me, with her mom, dad, and her sister. When we eat together, I feel so complete. It's something that I don't experience all the time with my family.. and it feels so good.. and I feel so unconfortable..uncomfortably good.
I told her that and she was like, "What's so special?"
and I was like, "You dont know.. but it is, to me. Thank you for the experience."
She's Aquarian, and I'm Aquarian. Farrah, Aquarian. I have two Aquarian best friends :P . Coincidence. And I check with the horoscopes.. and shh, I believe them sometimes.. and I am guilty of checking the others and make comparisons with those people I know in real life and see if they fit the bills of their own horoscopes.. *grins* and they can be so accurate, it scares me. Astrologers are scary people..are they psychic?
If only people's characters could be easily deciphered with just some clicks of the mouse. Unreal. But I find myself believing in it.. no, I should not.
The best thing today: talked so much with my loved ones.. realised that i am a best friend to another friend..and she has been mine long time ago too, cuz i like being around her and enjoy her company...and knowing that sometimes my thinking could be so warped or so negative, i missed some important points..
*sigh* Moments like this, make me feel so relieved. and comfortable.
and secretly happy. though outwardly, im still the smug girl. the girl with a weird strange aura. the girl who never shows who she is and how she's feeling.
my friends told me that sometimes i looked sad when during that time, i was feeling "Uh? I'm..fine. so-so." and i was like, "No, IM NOT SAD.. but IM NOT HAPPY, but IM FINE!" i dunno how they feel it, but there must be something about me that radiates sadness? *shrugs* I don't know, but I know I'm okay now.
I should brush the past aside.. but happy things that happened in the past.. I love them. I feel happy thinking about them.
Alicia and I would be going out to watch Shark Tale! Next week? It's been so long since I eat movie popcorns. I know I'm gonna love that day, but we have not planned the specific date yet.
Things don't go our ways.. but maybe there's some reasons for those.
On this note, I say, good night.. I've spent like, an hour and 4 minutes on this? At the end, there'd be a poem..which i found on the net which meant so much for me..and it reminded me of Mark.. heh heh.. I missed him no matter what an asshole he was, I still used to love him..and believe it or not, he once made me feel loved and completed me. He would always remained somewhere.. in my heart..or mind.. he would always be with me, in memories :)
My fingers are tired, but worth it.. worth all of it.. I would prolly read this back again and smile to myself. And be a little less negative in two weeks' time.. or when my positivity runs out.
Radiogurl, I'll reply your mail when my fingers find energy. :)
Take care.
I Still Miss You
This yearning in my heart,
this confusion in my mind
the words left unspoken,
haunts me all the time
everyday I watch pass by,
with an emptiness in my life
and a hole in my heart,
where only you belong
there are nights I wake up crying,
and wishing you were here
to hold me in your arms,
and kiss my fears away
there is something that keeps me
holding on....
what, I'll never know
but one day things will go my way,
and I'll have you in my arms
Written by Angela Craig
Another weird set BUT IMPORTANT infos I know of my mom today... she was actually sharing her cone of ice cream with ME (she used to say, "No, you're too dirty to share with me.. i'd get pimples if i share ice creams with you..your saliva..) VOLUNTARILY. You know, I felt so, Wow, I'm accepted and not dirty to you anymore?? and she hates noisy places and likes privacy and "space" and she smiles alot and make a lot of dry humor... just like me. She seems to be a lot like me... and it's weird, cuz if she's a lot like me, I should really understand her. And if she's like me, how come I never see her cry? Are moms really this strong and formidable? I dunno, she surprises me today. Ok, end... I should never keep you for too long. Love you guys. and you have to believe it, I do.
10:06 p.m. - 2004-11-06
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