Tsk tsk. What can I say? I would love to look paler. And more natural. Less burnt. I have abstained from swimming for such a loooong time, and it's worth it. I have been staying indoors, and only go out when I absolutely need to, or work out at night.
I'm noticeably hermit. This is what I become, even with so much freedom in my hands. It's just not worth it. All I want is love, and you know you don't always get what you want. Especially the one you wish for...the most.
Math exam...wow, I did it, and missed so many questions. I would be lucky to get 35/100. I would be ever so. I just wanted to get past my 28/100 result. Would make me feel happy if I at least improved, albeit failed pathetically. I knew my tens of hours of practice would not matter. I should have concentrated more on other subjects like History. What's past cannot be undone, so let's move on!
Literature was so cool. I am quite confident about it. So overall, I'm kinda neutral now. I left my CD in Al's place and I'm missing it now. Oh Alex. Yesterday I even dreamt about the exams... freaky. I woke up like 5am with my eyes closed. I envisioned myself taking a shower and eating prunes in my dream. When I woke up, I thought I did everything and was ready for school, before realising I was just dreaming.
I think literature is beautiful. That, minus Shakespeare. How can I actually appreciate literature without appreciating that bald man's work? Yes, I can.
I said I wanted love. Sometimes I'm just not sure. Love comes with a risk. A high risk of being betrayed. Risk of being neglected if not careful enough to ration your attention. It's tedious. It's complicated. But it's beautiful. But I don't really have trust in it. It does not fix everything, but I would love to see that it does. At least I hope to see it in action. Its perfecting properties. You feel good when you're in love, but you know it just won't last. Even for married couples, most of them are just in it, because they know they can't get it anywhere else. They are in it, because it's their comfort zone. They are still in it, cuz they are no longer bothered to pursue their curiosity.
I believe my parents are in it, because of the three of us, their kids, and also because they have become buddies. How can there be love when I don't really feel like they have it. There's no sense of love in the air. They may sleep on the same queen size bed, but it's as similar as me sleeping with my fave bolster.
I don't know what makes relationships attractive. They are. I think they are. But I want to know what makes something so complicated and so demanding so desirable. Why do I want to get myself in such a fix, in the future? There's so many things to think about. Am I being superstitious to think that my kids will follow after me, and I am certainly not the kind of character I want my offsprings to emulate. I'm too curious, too questioning, too demanding, too imperfect, too insecure and just too fussy.
That's why during my 'thinking' session (yeah, like the pooh bear.. I do it on my bed.) I kind of scare myself about the possibility of me actually bearing a satanic child. Damnit, I hate to think myself as trying to be someone good and hopelessly failed and replace the bad habits my parents have with as many of my own.
That will truly suck. Maybe I should add another goal to just stop thinking too far. I just can't help it sometimes. I keep on reflecting on my behavior, and though I don't wish to regret on anything I've done, certain things are just beyond control and I hated that situations.
Ahh.
3:32 p.m. - 2004-10-07
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
gavin-joel
anorexicpoet
wolfstone
bender87
squishyvan
someday-
nateboxley
randomsnark
patient-
prettysprite
zigglett
brokenwords
hilaryjordan
morning-view
andlikedude
ladyofthefae
shaggybill
unclebob
oceans-depth
silverbiker
j-pizz
dani-lou
chicagojo
brian-writer
elixia
gingeryette
radiogurl
torato
beety-queen
sir-liver
bleedinbitch
karabats
jesbohn
wildcrazy13
rosytears
soft-parades
infinidox
braw
lightfallsup
therules
what-if-
mixtape-
aquietboy
girldivided
ablossomfell
chsturtle
that
tealeaves
science-girl
ditchwater
firewaterice
clarity25
soul-glimpse
endiary
p-o-y
idealistic
stillbeating
theghostgirl
almostalone
her-story
marn
lovemetwice
inaptbeauty
softplaces
love-metal
dark-doll
lovelybones
bloodstream
kex
alwaysinhim
jackthripper