I feel like a huge failure now.
No matter what I do, I just can't be perfect. Now matter how much I achieve, I just cannot impress my parents.
I scored the highest for Literature, and my essay-writing. And yet my mother commented on it that I could have done better.
I said no. Because I had put in my best effort. It just shows that I just have to be perfect, Straight As... perfect body... everything to impress my mom. My dad... he just wants me to be better than what I am right now.
Can't they see how much hurt I feel right now? I am fucking disappointed in myself at the first place, and they make me want to slit my throat and die when they told me they wanted me to do better than this. I could not possibly keep up with this standard anymore... I know I am the smartest in the house.. my two brothers just lack of IQ if compared to me.. but it's just unfair. I'm the only girl, and I'm what they depend on to achieve their unfulfilled dreams.
I don't want to be a puppet with strings around me... expectations around me... Heck, I just want to be what I am made to be! I know I am clever, yes, I am pretty sure about that. But I don't need any pressure on me. I don't need anyone to tell me how well I should do. Fuck, I know I'm doing my best in everything. And I will, IF everyone just leave my fucking self alone!!!
I hate living. No, I actually love life, but since my life's not in my control, and in the hands of others, it does make sense why I choose to hate living at all. It's like I'm controlled... it's like I'm a robot to do your bidding. I hate being controlled. I hate being inadequate. Hell, I just want my parents to at least be proud of me...
I know they are.. but why can't they express their happiness to me...? Why can't they..? I just need their affections, since I'm already forsaken in school. And yet nobody wants to at least appreciate me!
I'm better off dead, damn it!
It hurts me to know that I can never make them happy, and it sucks pretty badly. All I want to do, is just to please them or impress them... but it seems impossible.
I'm forever the loser in their eyes. I'm forever the ugliest person alive. And I'm always the imperfect bitch in the house who just cannot make anyone happy at all!
I wanna run away from all these... I wanna kill myself without dying.. I don't want to die.. but I wish I can at least make people worry of me, and change their stupid dumb perception they have on me.
I AM JUST A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL!! GIVE ME A BREAK, MOM!!!!
I can't be everything that everyone wants me to be... just give me some time alone.. I just cannot cope.. I just cannot keep up with the impossible standards and hope... my brain feels like bursting..
I'm such a failure.... I'm fat and everything, and I can never be liked by anyone at all.
My parents try to make me think that they love me, but I know they prefer my brothers to me.
Tell me what's the use of having brains and talents, when people just hate me, despite me not doing anything bad to them.. or hurt them...
I despise this situation... I'm so frustrated... I'm so hurt!
I'm just.. I'm just so sorry that I can not be perfect.. I just can't... no one can... so leave me... ALONE!!!
9:09 a.m. - 2003-10-04
Recent entries:
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