I thought of something this morning.
That something - Escaping from troubles, running away from them, is much easier and fun than fighting it. Fighting it can only result in resistance. Why fight? Maybe I shall just take it easy, and get defeated. Just letting myself be defeated, instead of trying to gain victory against the force. Running away from troubles, getting into more troubles..more running, more escapes.
Fighting against things are starting to get very tiring. I've been fighting too much and who ends up wounded?
It's me. Or maybe both of us. It's a lose-lose situation. There can never be a win-win.
Trying to be radical and too opinionated is not acceptable, yeah? Given my attitude and competitive streak, I don't think I can feel good escaping from things. I am much better off losing after taking some serious risks. I have the "at least I've tried" mentality. However, that is what I say when I admit that I am the loser. If I really actually DO it instead of trying, I would not even use that excuse. I have always gotten what I want and not getting it after struggling so hard, is a downright failure.
I want a great body?
Maybe not really the greatest, but I am happy... I don't need to fucking starve myself anymore and I'm discovering the joy of eating. In moderation. I still believe real food and nutritious food tastes nicer and wholesome than junk food. McDonald's sucks, minus their yogurt and occasional "healthy" treats. Nothing disgusts me more than their cheese. Cheap cheese. 5g of fat. Check. After suffering for three years of disordered eating, I am quite sure I am not about to go back to my old route. Tea with honey is too hard to resist. Who cares, honey is a good source of nutrients.
So technically, though I am not at my skinniest, I am not at my fattest and I still look okay in my fave top-and-skirt get up. Oh I love skirts. So great body? Not so, but healthy? Yeah.
I want to get good grades in school?
Yeah but of course. That's what sets me apart from everyone in my big family tree. I'm supposed to be the "most intelligent" ey? However this year, I have chosen a different path. I am NOT living to get good grades. I am all for a better, fun life. Not to spend hours on books. Yes, I believe I am intelligent, but I believe mugging and crash studying for exams don't work. As a result, I am doing fairly okay in all subjects, screwing Chemistry, Physics and Math. Other than that, I am okay. Not the most intelligent anymore, but I have more knowledge about the world outside textbooks.
I don't want the grades to define me. I don't care about losing my fucked identity anymore. To hell with conformity. To hell with expectations from others. No more pleasing and bootlicking. I'm all for me, in choosing how to live my own life. You don't like me? It's okay, I can accept that. You think I'm dumb? Well, who cares what you think? I've been through so much, because I thought your thoughts MATTER but what happened? I'm not letting you decide how I'm supposed to live.
Comes hell, or whatever crap, I will not anything comes in between what I believe in.
Yes, I'll fight. If I emerge the loser, maybe I have not fought enough. Perhaps too tired. Whatever it is, "at least I've tried" is not an excuse anymore.. it's for real.
" 1)Why can't you be like other girls? 2)Your room is so messy. It can never be neat. 3)Why must you wear those weird clothes. 4)Why don't you like jeans? 5)Why are you so assertive and stubborn? 6)You never listened to me. 7)Behave like a 15 year old. 8)Stop talking back at me, I don't like it. 9)Rules are there to be followed. 10)Why must you go out so much? Stay at home!"
These. From people I know. Yeahhh. I get that, for 2372488 times. Nah, just kidding. I have more life than that :) Yay, thank goodness.
To answer those questions, yeah here they are.
1) I am like other girls. But all of us are made differently and we are all unique. I can't be like other girls, because as cliche as it sounds, I am who I am.
2)Blame me. I can't deny that. I am a dirty and messy girl. I can't stand places that are too proper.. like I have to be so fucking perfect and everything. I LOVE my room. There's too many books, too many magazines, too many photographs of my friends. Only a cupboard and all the drawers are full of books.. I have my kindergarten books too. I love my books and I won't throw them away. As a result, the lack of space is taking its toll on the room. Messy it is, but still valuable :)
3) Weird clothes? What weird. My friends dont like me wearing black tops and skirts. I mean, I am not very girly.. and I work out hard, so they don't really see me as the skirt person. But I am. I love cute skirts. I don't like jeans. Anything but things that get too stuffy especially my crotch. I hate jeans for that. Skirts are definitely practical.. not much buttons and zips or pockets. I cant be bothered to do up all of them.
4) Look at the above paragraph for answer. Oh yes, I do this, because I know some of my mates in school are reading my diary. I am oh-so-interesting to them.
5) I am stubborn? Well, not really... I am just not submissive. I accept that I am stubborn.
6) I do listen. I just don't look like it. You know, looks can be deceiving, but I don't take in all you have told me. I have to analyze and weigh in all the factors...you know.
7)I am fifteen and I behave like one. But as I said before, people grow at different rates..and I am still immature. I'm not about to say, "NO, I AM NOT IMMATURE!! WAA.!!" I am. I still gush over cuties. I still fall in love with gays that look so cute. I still squeal in delight when a guy flirts with me. You know what I mean.
8)I don't, but sometimes Mom (yeah, this is from her. Duh-) what you say are nonsensical. I can't simply be like Dave and Sean who take in all your words without going against it although deep inside them, they are protesting. I can't. I am red-blooded and I need every attention you give me. I need you to know how I feel and I don't want to be controlled of my feelings. You have your opinions and I have mine. It's not even talking back at you.. it's about voicing up.
And guess what? My dad ,more often than not, sides with me. My mom can get all sulky and things, but I do that too. Yeah, childish. *points finger at self* Childish, childish, self. Please give in, self. Your mom wants to win sometimes.
9) Yeah, I follow certain rules that make sense. I don't follow rules that are redundant or not applicable. Things like wearing make up to look "natural". Girl rules are mostly wack.
10) I can't stay too long in the house, or I'll get scolded and nagged and that would just pissed me off. Which would piss you off too. Even then, I don't think you want to see my face 24-7... I am not homey and neither am I an outdoor person. After all, I am only working out, or window shopping..all you care about is how I'm squandering your money but window shopping is free. I am not taking any extra money from you. I get 20 bucks weekly, inclusive of late school hours and everything else, and personally that is not enough.
But I shall take that back. I saw some pitiful pics of African tobacco slaves and would like to help them. I am saving up my dollars and cents (if I could, at all) and would submit them to charity at the end of the year. Oh, we'll see. But the world is never going to change. Slaves will always be there. I am still not going to be greatful for long. Not until the next time when I see a cute top or a heavenly-looking-but-expensive cheesecake and suddenly thought of this: "Why am I given so little money?"
I shall resist saying that. This entry shall remind me of the poor and the starving. Cheesecake is a luxury... so are clothes. I shall resist gluttony. And peer-pressure. Yeah, resisting... fighting against them, instead of giving in, and rob some banks.
-----------
I am quite happy to say, I have not been succumbed to bulimia for about 11 days. That's a great achievement..a step closer to recovery.
This diary is really helpful. This entry is definitely one of the most important ones in this diary, I must say. Really assure me of who I am, and what I believe in.. might change soon, but as for now, this is what I am.
5:19 p.m. - 2004-09-06
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