When 12 year olds (so fucking young!) start to be depressed, it really scares me.
Their ideas of being depressed is being angry about the world. And anger, to them, is best expressed, I HATE HIM AND I HATE YOU AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND TOMORROW YOU DONT SEE ME AND THAT'S IT AND YOU KNOW I'M GONE.
But ta-daa, the next day, "WEEEE I AM SO HAPPY, MY FRIENDS BOUGHT ME CDS! AND THAT GUY IS SO CUTE! HE INVITES ME TO DANCE! AND I HATE MY PARENTS FOR NOT GIVING ME THE MONEY TO BUY THE DRESS AND IM STUCK WITH THIS! FUCK THEM, WTF. OKAY I GTG BYE!"
I mean, if I do that, it's because I've been deprived of real nurturing and been independent since I was a kid..and all I want is a small thing to be happy about for quite a long time. But really, hating someone just because of a dress... oh my god. worst, in her diary, she tells her friends how horrible her parents are...for a dress? WAA. *picture me falling off the chair, but seriously I don't*
I can hate my parents because they say they provide me with my basic needs and what I need, basically: love, care, guidance, proper food, enough money to buy food outside and they fucking give me money to barely pay for transport and i have to save for a month to get maybe 20 bucks and when i want to buy a cd, i stand inside the shop thinking for at least an hour (im serious) before deciding I should save the money for the future and they end up taking away the money because we need to eat.
And there's always no food at home.. it's all about basics, and people making fun of me because i can't afford some essential guide books in school. you know, too much of people dicriminating me and i take it on my parents.. but i know money is damn hard to find, and things are expensive.
but prom dress.. cds.. seriously = luxury. not basics. parents have a hard time... hard hard time. i have to be really strong..and be really positive about this.
The 12 year old's parents seem nice..they give her like maybe 100 bucks per week.. hug her..kiss her.. but of course, we might feel embarass about it, but she never shows any signs of acceptance..and really shows this attitude.. and her friends seem to be sucking up to her. it makes me feel sad. i want that excess 80 bucks she has.
i can really be so.. and feel so.. fucking rich. i get twenty bucks in a week and sometimes it feels so wasted spending money on food.. but it needs to be spent. Sometimes i just like to save..and when i see my lil bro's fave chocs..or comics.. i buy for him and though he's like, "Why do you buy this for me?" I wish i could say, "because i love you, and its been so long since you eat it..and it's so sad." but i don't. I just said, "I dunno, for you, no reasons. It's been a long time, eh?"
It's nice if he accepts it..I don't need anything from him.. maybe just his smile.. hmm. But if he becomes all like, "No.. it's yours.. you have it, you have not eaten chocs for SUCH A LONG TIME.. " and im like, "just take it won't you? this is really from me, and im not expecting anything." but inside, I'm like, "Hey, im not having any bad motives behind this.. im not guilty of anything.. but maybe i want to be closer to you..and show you that i really care.. because we're not really close.. or just a reason to talk to you.. I miss you so much and i wish i could hug you so bad."
Hmmmm, i want to hug my brothers so much. I love them so, and i have not spoken to my ickle bro and play with him for so long..ever since earlier this year, ever since he starts to shoot up and be sooo tallllll and so grown up..
I dunno, I feel so proud. I'm so proud he's not the bad guy who pushes those little kids around.. he's like the big friendly monster. and he never really fights with me.. and he always helps me..... I want to hug him for giving me a good time and giving me all these good memories to be happy about and for playing water bombs with me.. wait, USED TO.
I miss so many things! Being silly is fun..and it makes me happy.. it's funny to think about it.. And then I think I need to grow up and all the inclination with it.. seems scary.
Im so emotionally dependent of the past..and Im scared I'd lose it to the future for something not as good as it used to be.. you understand what I mean? Im scared of losing my silliness.. my happiness..the thing I'm holding on to, because the future doesn't seem to look really good..
Really, it's paranoia in me. Everything here, is what I have INSIDE, but if you know me as a real person and only see who I really show about what I am all about, I'm this normal, calm, VERY VERY NORMAL with a subtle/innocent face.. so don't worry. I think other people think as much as I do.. but maybe don't express it inside their diaries.
I'm exposing too much of myself here..and it actually makes me feel secure that you guys don't know me.. because if you do, I'm gonna run away seriously.
Because you know so much of my flaws and I feel so imperfect looking at you, because I don't really know what you have in your mind.. but me? it's all here! and it's scary.
I hope that kid realises things aren't really going to be better...try working for the unneeded luxury.
This reminds me of those small-kid times when i want something, i have to work for it, but it's so easy! I used to complain about finding my mom's grey hair for a buck for 5 and i'd find for hours.. and we'd talk along the way and make jokes and share silly infos about cats... we love cats so much..
Now REAL LIFE: work for kfc, 8 fucking hours, no fucking rest. I am so pampered, I can't accept that there is NO FUCKING REST for my ass in 8 hours and ME DOING OTHERS jobs. and they're sooo big size and I look shrivelled against them and I believe they'd kill me if I don't do their job. But I'm only one person, and Im expected to clean the place, mop it, clean the glass panels, take the garbage out, wash the dishes (NOT MY JOB. AND THAT BITCH ORDERS ME TO DO HERS! but i can't complain...i'd be smashed into pieces.)
And you know what happened next don't you? I fell sick for a week. No decent food and everything = sandpaper.
I'm laughing while typing all these.. it was painful, but comical.. I have something interesting to tell my friends.. when things like this happen.
I'm not bad in storytelling myself.. lol. But when I have all the bad vibes from people and read something bad.. it's natural of me to write them here, but I won't talk about it.(It's like, none of my fucking business. I just want them out my cluttered brain..and where do they go?Here.)
And I do love my parents..but I'm frustrated and depressed why they treat me like a stranger sometimes.. even in our own place.. they make me feel like an outcast with their reactions like, "Psssh, she's coming. Don't talk about the problems we have!" And I'm like," Guys, what problems?" And they're like, "Go to your room and dont come out! None of your business!" but then i heard things like "money, school, sad, depressed" and they never shed any tears... they make me feel like a bitch, indirectly.i told them i could help..in maybe another way other than kfc..but..fuck, i shall keep quiet for now. im tired myself. haha
I love you guys. gavin-joel, melia, herstory, radiogurl, dark-doll, bloodstream (cat! grr.), danielle.. oh wow. We're strangers, yet I know I care for you guys. So damn much.
8:28 a.m. - 2004-11-05
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
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i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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