Probably life isn't so bad...once I start rationalising and am aware that nobody escapes from troubles, even if they seem to... there's a difference in the degrees of problems?
Maybe all I needed was a hobby - and I'm fucking back to my crazy old gym days... and I talked to the gym trainer - and I realised how much I missed the warmth everyone generates there. They know I'm friendly and I'm worthy and I'm THERE.
I felt instantly GOOD after a work out session. I was like, purging all my anger and frustration and was cycling the pedals like I was chasing after somebody... when I had nothing to chase. It was so refreshing.. and then go home feeling so hyper and started to talk to everyone and I talked for about half an hour accumulatively to my mom and about 3-4 hours with my elder brother and I realised how alike we were... after so many years! None of us was really "popular" and "in" in school and I thought to have many friends was important and my bro was like,
"Friends... bullshit! When you go to college, they won't be there. It's better to be "unpopular" and "maligned" and "ignored" but we do have some of our tightest friends who know what kind of person we are, and won't force us into doing things we are not, and don't want to do. I feel left out sometimes, and our family seems cold sometimes, but we know we do love each other, but I don't know you too well, because your life is yours and I feel like I'm intruding in your life..? You know, we all are feeling the loneliness, but you shouldn't feel not worthy or that you don't matter...when you are sick, I'm worried, but I just don't show it. What's the point, I know you will get better and since you're always taking the meds and have always been the sensible girl we know.. you WILL be alright. It's good for us, you don't worry us.. sometimes. Don't feel neglected because everyone does at some point of their lives and though you see me laughing with my friends, going out all the time.. it's because I like to watch movies and I am extroverted, but you are who you are and you treasure your "alone" time, so be it. You go out too, alone or not, you STILL go out and you're not home most hours in a day, but we are not worried about you because you will come home and have always been responsible."
I felt like hugging him. Oh no. Have I totally missed how much I really loved them when they actually talked to me? They didn't, because they didn't want to feel like they're taking away my privacy (STUPID!!! oh well.) and aww, I was just so awww-can-i-hug-everyone after that looong session of talking and expressing my thoughts and my left-out feeling and I thought I had found what I needed...someone to tell me the truth why they did this or that and never hide shit behind their words.. (like my dad..about his life and his screwed family (we're not that screwed.. but his mom is, and his brothers are) but we are kinda screwed in a way that we feel inferior and we feel like we're taking away things from the other but that's what families do. We're too "peace" and we don't fight, but thats what families do! AND because of that, I think we're abnormal, but people would love to come to a house where you find "too much peace" and do whatever the hell you want, but I think it means "so quiet, it's weird" and "I am so free, do they care about me and what if i screw up?"
Becuase they trust me too damn much and what if I screw up?
Maybe I shouldn't think about the latter. They just trust me and care about me and don't wish to make me feel boxed in one corner so they let me do what the hell I want, because they know I am caring and I am very concerned about others, so they are not worried about me hurting myself.
Because if I hurt myself, they know I know I'm hurting them too.
To the point where I am scared of riding a bike, (I dont know how to cycle. Seriously) because I don't want to fall because if I fall, blood will come out and I hate blood... that is plain ridiculous but that's what I am. I have always been the crybaby, and scaredy in terms of doing things I know will hurt.
But about the unknown.. I talk about it, but I like to experiment..and face it..and see what happens next. To test out beliefs and what-people-have-thought and check for their validity.. then people know I am adventurous and have always made myself my own guinea pig..
But the truth is, I may not have SO MANY Friends, but I only have one person against me (truly against me) but the others are merely strangers and even if they hate me or believe those lies the Bitch says, they don't and SHOULD NOT matter to me.
Cases solved then.
(Why cant they talk to me more...?? Why must they feel like they're taking away my privacy by knowing more about me.. don't they know I want them not to think of me as a stranger?? And I want to know them too..in depth.. I'm curious to know!)
(Those notes sent by you guys tell me that REALLY? LIFE IS LIKE THIS? because I don't know.. I don't think my friends have to face with family probs and insecurity of being neglected..all of them seem to be so smothered with love and more often than not, try to reject love from their hugsy families... it's the opposite! The world is a funny place.)
Okay, today I'm off to the gym again, and work my extra energy off normally used to tire my "why" brain out.
5:04 a.m. - 2004-11-05
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
gavin-joel
anorexicpoet
wolfstone
bender87
squishyvan
someday-
nateboxley
randomsnark
patient-
prettysprite
zigglett
brokenwords
hilaryjordan
morning-view
andlikedude
ladyofthefae
shaggybill
unclebob
oceans-depth
silverbiker
j-pizz
dani-lou
chicagojo
brian-writer
elixia
gingeryette
radiogurl
torato
beety-queen
sir-liver
bleedinbitch
karabats
jesbohn
wildcrazy13
rosytears
soft-parades
infinidox
braw
lightfallsup
therules
what-if-
mixtape-
aquietboy
girldivided
ablossomfell
chsturtle
that
tealeaves
science-girl
ditchwater
firewaterice
clarity25
soul-glimpse
endiary
p-o-y
idealistic
stillbeating
theghostgirl
almostalone
her-story
marn
lovemetwice
inaptbeauty
softplaces
love-metal
dark-doll
lovelybones
bloodstream
kex
alwaysinhim
jackthripper