Weird, I'm telling you, I feel so out of place these days. I am going to be sixteen years old and I feel like I'm ten. When I was five, I have already started to worry about my future.
I think I miss a lot on my childhood. Do I? I play a lot, and I'm still playing Neopets now. I don't feel like I'm trying to catch up on my childhood.. it's more like me being who I really am, but I think I think too much.
I don't and no longer am worried about what I eat. I enjoy pizza now and almost have french fries everyday and totally skip work out and not worry a shit about it.
I feel like I can't get out from who I really am, who is through and through a hermit. I don't desire much of a clique. All I need is a friend. I don't need too many friends, and Farrah is drifting away from me, because she's leaving school! Fucking good for her because she's a very sociable person.
I don't like the fact that I'm hermit, but I'd rather sleep at home than going out in groups. Because I'm a wallflower and not many think anything of a wallflower. I'm always trying to cover up myself, and at the same time, trying to open up myself. People give comments that I'm friendly, always smiling, open-minded and always know what I'm doing and going to do. I feel like the society doesn't give me the chance to be human. I make mistakes, but forever will be known as the "nice" girl. Sometimes I'm desperate for people to know that I'm normal and I make horrendous mistakes, MOST OF THE TIME, but because I don't show it, everyone thinks I'm this little nice girl.
Maybe because I am because I don't like to argue. I let others go over me, just so that I don't have to put up with childish arguments. Being sixteen is supposed to make me a little grown up, and I am not going to get involved with stupid cat/gang fights with the other girls, because school is just another shit place for me, and I don't really care to show who I really am in school. School is not really about me. It's about getting stupid certificates and after that, then the real world starts at work. A lot of people says they hate school, but they probably have no idea how much they depend on it for identity and friends. I don't really like my friends in school.. I only have about two friends I can trust. The others are maybe surface friends and look at me like I'm some kind of a machine.
They don't know I am not a machine and I make errors and I have the right to. Just because I don't act lesser than my intellect doesn't mean I am less deserving to be "ordinary" or I have to make an effort to be bad to be "normal." I don't need guys who need me to be that... but I know I have to be "stupid" to be popular or well-liked, then I don't need to be one hot ass chick who's not herself. I'd rather be who I am, freak or not, introvert or not (I am introverted, perverted, anything. Whatever.) but people have to take me for me.
Seriously, Jamie is polar opposite of me... but we're so similar in some ways. He's just too social and maybe he likes some girl who is social and all party animal. He won't like somebody like me who's so deep in thought and think too much too soon. He's reading this and I don't give a damn. Read me, read me, and make comments and judgements about me. I am always critising myself and not looking at everyone else and sometimes my own enemy is me myself.
Honestly, I can do with some less thinking and more socialising.
Okay, I feel like vomitting each time I talk about Jamie or talk about anything past few days. I wish I could purge everything out and come clean but I feel dirty all over. I feel so wrong. I feel so out of place.
But I don't feel lonely. This room is where I'm gonna be hiding from everybody. The bed is where I'm gonna sleep and think and think and think and it's already so late, and I can't shut my eye. My mind is thinking about Jamie all the time.
I met him just now. Why was he still so breathtakingly hot and I am so in love with his personality.
Certain creatures like him, like my cat, just appeals to me. Mt cat, because she's strong and gives such a strong impression to everyone despite being such a bitch. Jamie leaves impression to everyone that he's sensible, he's smart and he's very easy to talk to.
Whilst I give impression that I am always happy and quiet and my eyes clearly states that I am sad even when my mouth is smiling wide. My eyes just gives me away. I am not happy, I am almost all the time depressed when I get back home and see my dad and mom worrying so much and my siblings not talking to me, because we're polar opposites. I feel like I am a freak to them, but I am so familiar with myself.
After all these words, I am confused. But I am not trying to find my identity. I feel like I know myself so well, and I hate what I know.
I feel like vomiting again. Let me whine. I feel like dying and melting and hugging someone who I am familiar with, and that's weird because I feel like a stranger in my own family who treats me like an alien too.
I always feel like a burden. I don't feel emotionally secure in this family and one day I'm gonna live on my own and be secure with my own success. I feel like my family treats me like a machine and sometimes, it's hard to say this, but i totally hate being in this non-communicative family and being a part of a surface-only society.
I don't feel like I belong and sleeping takes me away from this harsh and cruel reality of all.
Sleeping and bulimia that's it, but bulimia is already out of the question. Eating shan't make up who I am. I am loving my fries and my pizzas.
11:45 p.m. - 2004-11-01
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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