This normality is killing me. How do I feel so good and still feel so bad, deep down inside. My bowel is not doing well at all, and I am disappointed.
I am scared I will abuse laxatives. Psyllium husk doesn't work for me. Bran doesn't. Only stimulative lax does. And my stomach is hurting... bad. Today I felt so tired, and went to the toilet for so many times. Perhaps I overdosed on the lax. I felt like I wasn't give the chance to lead a normal life, because of the mistakes I made before. I don't really have any regrets about that, but what I am puzzled and confused about, is that I consume more than 30g of fibre every day and yet my bowel's not reacting to that.
I am feeling awful, it's not that i wanna abuse lax, it's like a compulsory thing for me. And I hate it. I don't think my doctor will care. No one does! All they do, is blame me for harming myself before. Why do they keep harping about my past?
It's crazy. I just hope that eating 4 apples a day can help me in this problem. 1 apple for every meal. Damn, this sounds so terrible...and I am sick of apples. I am sick of eating fiber rich food and yet nothing works.
11:47 p.m. - 2004-10-05
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