My parents went out together again this morning, and I told them I had extra lessons in school! But meh, I gotta take care of the apartment. I don't want anything to go wrong with my baby brother.. okay, maybe he's an old baby now, at the age of 11, and damn, he's like 5'5" now!!! And I am still 5'6". I hope he'll grow tall. Somehow my elder bro falls short at 5'10" and my dad towering over him at 6'2". I was joking around with Dave and since I am for ever the vain one, I asked him what was the thing he wanted for himself, physically.
And Dave said, "Dad's height. I think Mom made us short."
Both of us grinned cynically. What not, Mom is 5'1". How cute. When we browsed through their wedding photos, three thick albums of it (because as I told you, my mom was super gorgeous and 4/5 of the photos were of her.) and we would see a major height difference and I wonder how do they kiss? Just a thought.
It is quite flattering to know that though my mom is overweight (BMI: 33? I think) she still has such an incredible face. She doesn't have double chins or flabby skins or etc. Her hair is still jet-black and she never uses any dyes, make ups, creams, anti-aging shit. Of course it can get annoying when she gets more attention than me - I get people telling me that she looks like she's in early 30s when she's really going into her late 40s...and some cheeky old gentlemen always flirt with her and shops give her special discounts. I think what makes her pretty is her smile, and that was why she brought me up to "smile, and just smile when someone comes and do anything to you" and though it seems like a good idea, it makes me a vulnerable person who pretty much is weak and powerless when it comes to being assaulted and bullied by my peers. Been brought up not to get involved in useless fights and give in, just to keep peace.
------
I'm pleased to say that my BMI is 22 now and it dropped from 24. I am quite comfortable in this weight, though I am not in a rush to get it down to at least 20 (12 pounds away), just to be safe. I kept 8 pounds away from the 10 lbs lost in three weeks....when my weight didnt even budge for three fucking months before, probably I was munching too much snacks and taking in too little calories. Hence, the lack of fats and protein might have been a set back for me. But I thought it was okay, since I worked out 2 hours on the average. Maybe overworking proves to be useless.
Moderation is still the key and now I'm feeling good about myself. I don't need to be stick-thin to be happy anymore. But that was what I used to believe in. It's hard to shift that mindset. I'm in this battle for nearly 4 years already..and to say that its easy, is a straight lie. It doesnt involve only the physical - mostly its emotional, mental and social things. I was an anorexic, graduated to laxative abuse to pill abuse to bulimia to overexercising to restricting to... yadda yadda.
To be thin used to be my goal, but I realise I desire many more important things like love, friendships and health, and I have lost most of it, in pursuit for physical thinness. I'm now trying to get back to my normal self and build a better relationships with the others. I'm a hermit, and I have to slowly make a change now.
2003-03-19
As much as I like being myself, I wish that there would be no more girls whose personalities are smillar to mine... Everytime when it seems that life is perfect and good, I will end up being miserable eventually. That's always the cycle... I wonder how can I break it... or just don't let the cycle repeat itself too many a time. I got another lecture from my dad again about my attitude. I hate lectures, especially from someone that I love.
If growing up were to be this hard, I do not wish to grow up. I would rather be that geeky ponytail girl with tinted glasses back in 1996... breastless and careless. If being a teenager is so difficult like this... I do not wish I would grow up and be a mother or someone else, like a girlfriend to a wonderful man. I just want to run away from responsibilities... I want to run away from everything that pulls me down and only brings me up just to make me go back down again... life. Life's like this. All sucky and difficult.
That was me, 1 year and 7 months ago. I think I am much more positive than that now.
9:44 a.m. - 2004-10-02
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
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