I can't be happy all the time, can I? I know, I have been, but I think there's another part of me that wants to come out and just shoot everything it wants to say.
I think you guys know about my new kitten, Honey, and it has bound the family together, and thus we're in a much better and merrier place to live in, cuz there's constant chasing games going on in the house. Mom chasing Honey to the kitchen. Brothers being chased by Honey. Me being chased by Honey. Vice versa. It was like a playgroup, my house, now and of course I'm happy.
However, there's not much communication between all of us, and loneliness is always a complication I need to get over with. With exams coming soon and too much homework to worry about, I barely have to the time to surrender myself to depression and to think about it, I have not much time for myself either. I've been overworking, all burnt out. My legs were so tired yesterday and my eyes desired to sleep so much. I did not go to school today and my parents are very understanding about that. I already explained to my teachers about my health complication and I hope they do, too. I'm studying real hard, and even though I'm at home now, I'm actually studying. Usually I won't care to.
So little time, I have not much time to think about Ana or Mia. I've only been working out just by walking. It's been two weeks since I last went to the gym, mainly because the old pervert is there, and also because I have NO time and feel rather burnt out after school cuz it's such a stressful place. The class is always noisy and the lessons are getting more intense. It's 4 days to the first exam already..and I'm left with a chapter to go through, so I think my hardwork is kinda paid off.
I slept at 10.30 yesterday and today, I woke up at 10am. Slept for almost 12 hours! And I'm still sleepy and dizzy now. I feel so exhausted. Mentally as well as physically.
Breakfast: 1 Orange, 1/2 Baked Chicken Wing, some turnips and chili slices, some minced meat, 1 cup of tea with 3 tsp sugar
I have almost no appetite to eat right now. I ate the above, just because I did not want to starve myself, though I don't feel hungry at all, but my body needs energy.
There's constantly too many things to worry about, and it's clogging my brain. Needs more protein to induce that serotonin chemical to calm me down. I've added malted drink before sleeptime to make sure I'm getting enough calories for the day... I'm eating healthy and I'm not starving myself, don't worry. I think I've lost weight at my legs and my upper body..my abs needs work.
I don't know if today I need to go to the gym.. maybe I'm having a gym withdrawal now.. maybe I will, I'll see to things later. All I know is that I have to step up on my Chemistry as well as my Math revision....I don't wish to disappoint anyone with my results..especially Dad and Mom cuz I've always been a disappointment, whether they accept it or not, to everyone and everyone is expecting me to be perfect, and I can never be, I learnt, and all I can do now, is to try my hardest and really give my all in everything.
It's up to them whether to think that I'm just killing myself, or that I'm being obsessive about health (I'm not. I've been doing great.) because I think I've been very good lately... been progressive and productive. At least I feel worthy. I can do work, than just idling around.
People think I'm weird for eating like what I am right now, which is low-sugar, low-starch, high fruits, high vege, nuts, and moderate lean protein. I wonder if they want me to eat junk like what I used to, and be obsessive about it, and purge and binge and obsessed about my food 24/7 and abuse laxatives. Farrah worries that I am killing myself and she makes it clear. I'm just trying to leave my past habits behind and cultivate a much healthier one.
I'm positive, and I have no clue about whats so unhealthy about it. I have a 6am light breakfast (200 cals, made up of fruits), an okay 2pm lunch (300 kcals, mainly nuts and a piece of fruit), and pretty much my cals go to dinner and snack cuz thats when I'll be at home and at the mood to eat. 7pm Dinner will be around 400 kcals (protein and tons of vegs) and 9-10pm bedtime snack at 300 kcals. (malted drink, and a piece of fruit)
I've not been gaining weight and actually feeling better about myself. Maybe its because the food I'm eating is of better quality? At an average of 1200 cals a day (and Im adding to it slowly), it's perfectly better than what it used to be under 600 cals of refined carbs and almost no fats and protein and 2 hrs of workout EVERYDAY. Presently, I barely have time to work out, but I walk as much as I can.
I know I have not been close to her.. but it's just because I have no time, and we always have clashing schedules and she's always staying back in school to study with our other friends, while I'm studying with Al. I don't eat during recess with her, cuz I always have things to do (projects, and all) and I had my breakfast either before school, or during recess at the last minute. I rarely get the chance to talk to her at all... and we're drifting apart, but we always will remain as close as sisters! I don't believe distance and absence will separate us, cuz emotionally, Im still close to her.
I still regard her as one. I hope she does too, in her case. I miss her a lot.
---------
Lately there's just so misconceptions among friends and I, I hope this will clarify everything to those who think Im screwing myself up...cuz I'm not..I'm not even in Atkins anymore. Im just taking what's good in that diet, which is to take in loads of water, protein and restrict refined carbs. Thats all.
11:34 a.m. - 2004-09-28
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