I'm currently cultivating the habit of running for an hour a day nightly.
And so far it has been working... and if this goes well, then good for me. Not good if it becomes an obsession, because running was how I became anorexic in the first place.
To put it in a honest way, I don't think my life is any better from how it used to be when I was anorexic. In fact, my life is worst now just because I have extra flesh on and I cannot accept that or embrace that open heartedly. I can safely say my life used to be much more in order... when I was frickin thin. At least I was not so insecure. At least I was skinny. As least I felt good. The hunger was there and I had always felt driven to achieve something because I felt good.
For now, I'm just concentrating on losing weight, and when I reach my goal weight which is about 30 pounds away, I will think about something better to do with my life. As for now, I am feeling so unwanted just because no one loves me.
Yesterday was a wake up call. I'm like an orphan. My mom told me in the face again that I should be thankful I was not kicked out of the house because she couldn't stand me anymore. I locked myself up most of the time in the room yesterday.
It's hard to believe that someone you love a lot hate you. Major rejection. I'm trying to toughen myself now... I have not cried for so long. To make myself be insensitive a little.
I only have myself and that's it. I need to be thin back. Not even thin, I need to be skinny and if they want to kick me out of the house, suit themselves, I'm starting to hate everything anyway.
You can see, I have lost my faith in almost everything. I'm living my life every day like a sick person...because when I open my eyes, I see things looking back at me with disapproval and disgust. The mirror hates me, my family hates my guts, and no one wants to talk to me in the house and whenever I'm anywhere, they will go out of the place just because Im there.
Do you feel the rejection I'm feeling? I am so lonely, and I try so hard to talk to them, only to receive awkward silence back. It's hard and I don't like it and I don't feel any love at all. It's such a cold treatment.
What I can do is to escape from all these, by sleeping, reading magazines and just try to read some textbooks, only to end up sleeping because the place I'm living in is so quiet and everyone is distancing themselves from me.
4:15 p.m. - 2004-09-12
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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