I have been getting nightmares for days... yeahhh, I can't sleep well. I think I'm growing up believing that it's going to suck as I grow older.
I am so sorry towards my parents now. Maybe they would be better off without me, I could definitely say that. But I shall not blame anything for my existence. Things could not go back to where it started.
But I was thinking what if I was the kid which my mom aborted? My mom aborted her fourth kid, when it was lesser than 2 weeks old and she knew it was a girl. My life would have probably became better or worse if she was around. Cute little girl prancing in the house, demanding attention.. I would love to give her that and more. Maybe I would have been more responsible, or more proud to have a cute young sis which would grow up to be such a sophisticated being. Yes, she would.
I wouldn't let her go astray. Me, as the eldest sis, would be guardian.
Unfortunately, she is in heaven now. I think she has a good life up there. I would probably be worse than what I am now, what about her to support and stuff and I am already drained of energy and money, and I believe my parents would not be able to take care of the unborn child.
I am cursing myself now. A small teensy part of me whispers, "Children are such nuisances.." Shush, self, that's rude! *shakes head*
No, really, children are NOT. Most of the time.
I really really wish I had a younger sis. I would really really really be much happier. Less loneliness to cope with. Someone to share dirty little secrets with. Someone to look up to me. I could definitely use that.
Anyway, no regrets. My little sis is having fun up there while I'm kind of screwed here. She's like a Peter Pan there :) Or so, I visualise.
Hmm, imagination is a powerful tool. I'm scaring myself. I can't sleep mainly because I have voices in my head which refuse to go away... and they're influencing me.. in the wrong way.
I hope I'm not having anything like multiple personality disorder. That's totally going to screw me up for life - enough is enough.
Oh shush, I better force myself to sleep despite being so awake now. Took a long nap just now.
I am so stupid.
1:07 a.m. - 2004-09-10
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