Today I woke up like as if I had a hangover. Haha. Why, I slept at 4am yesterday...magazine-reading marathon. I love magazines :) Reading them makes me happy.. I love the pretty clothes the models have on.
I might not be able to do this anymore in probably 5 years' time. I'd be 20 years old, probably very into career or still bumming.
Scary. I hate the thought of growing up. No, it's not about the few wrinkles that would be making their debut.. it's the responsibility that I would have to carry. There would be so many things to worry about. Thus, I have to tackle this time-consuming esteem problem before I hit my big 20.
WAAA. Not having the time to waste on magazines is quite intimidating. What about handling bills and relationships. Urgh. I shall re-think about my ambition to have 2 kids. I would name them Joshua and Xander if both turn out to be guys. For girls, sorry, I have no idea.. girls just have pretty names!
I am such a worrier. The only time when I don't worry is when I'm having a shower, or working out. When I am doing anything else, I will always worry. Meal times are always worrying...never a relaxing one. My thoughts are infested with words like calories, fats, carbs and fibre, considering the frequency of me getting constipated. Nowadays, nope.. I am very regular and shall thank that to frequent water drinking habit.
Today I shall settle to work out in the gym. The chlorine really fucks with my hair although it's a MUCH MUCH better workout to swim than panting like a dog in the gym.
I really, really, really can't see myself being an adult. I think of myself as an innocent girl. I'm innocent. I look innocent.
Unless I dress provocatively..but I think the way you dress don't tell you about your character, much. People tell me I'm sweet and I'm always against that, but to think about it, I am sweet, no matter how hard I try to resist that "natural" image of me. I can try to be bitchy, but I'll still be sweet. So sweet, I must be careful not to get diabetes.
When I was a kid, I was voted to be the most caring, honest, courteous, attentive, and kind by my friends and teachers in the class. That tells what about me?
It was so RUBBISH. Quite contradictive. I lie a lot. I tell the truth a lot too. Don't tell me they know my true colors..or can they read my mind? I hate it when people catch me lying. The purpose of me lying is for you not to find out. Haha, okay that is insincere, but really!
I hate it when people take advantage of me, because of my attitude. People are nice to you, so it's common sense that you treat them the same way. Growing up in an environment where friends backstab friends and friends spread false truths about the other friends, true friends are really hard to find. So many heartaches and so many lies, it's a task to just swim through them and pretend that they are going to stop, because they aren't. And stupid people will believe them, because they're influential and lazy to find out the truth themselves.
Again, I am NOT about to believe in MJ's phedophile crap. Paparazzi sucks, but that's their job.
Neutrality is still the best in everything, but in this world, almost all of us want to be someone unique. You don't really wish to be a clone of something else.. or do you? You want to have something that separate you from the others.
That's why we go for the extremes although we know we are not guaranteed of anything. It's easier to go with the flow and take everything in, than to go against the current and do what you think is right.
School rules, I'm not bothered to go against it. Nothing really bothers me about school except for bitchy teachers and mates. I am not bothered to go against it, because I simply don't want to infamous in such a sucky environment. Let me be invisible here, I don't care. I hate school.
Other than this, I am going against the current. Mainly against media's perceptions and prejudice. Mostly rubbish. I am not into fashion - I dress my way, which can get quite wacky. But as long as I'm happy, I should be fine.
Afterall, "perfection doesn't exist".
I believe in perfection though.
To blame inadequacy on that quote alone is a sign of complacency and defeat. I'm not about to blame on anything, but I. Excuses are easy, but it's better not to make them.. I have a tendency to, but I am determined to lower down the frequency.
1:43 p.m. - 2004-09-07
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
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