Dani thought that I was having sex with Farrah in the previous entry story.
Noooooo. It was Farrah and her boyfriend, but as said, it was fictional AND non-fictional at the same. Which part, I'm not going to tell you.
-------------------------------
I don't know how it all begins. Why should I trust anyone, when they will never believe what I'm trying to tell them?
I was not aware there was a homework to be done for Math. That friggin subject. I did the wrong question instead, but the bottomline is, I DID intend to do my homework. Guess what? Didi didn't trust me. She even said one hurtful comment at me, but goodness I am pretending that I have forgotten all about that, and it is no longer hurtful anymore, but it stabbed me like a knife through my heart during Physics class when I was so shocked to know about the unknown questions that I did not do.
Me: Hey, I'm so happy I did my homework! Question 8, isn't it?
Her: Noooo. It's 11,12,13, and 14.
Me: WHAT??!!! SAY THAT AGAIN. Am I dreaming?
Her: NOOOO. 11 12 13 14. You are NOT dreaming.
Me: How come I don't know about that at all?!
Her: Because you didn't pay attention. You were busy with other stuff.
----------------------
That shattered me. I did pay so much attention for that particular class because I was really intending to study a little harder, because I did badly in Math this year. So much enthuasiam and hope in me. She really brought me down - for a while. Until I thought about it and said to myself, why be hurt over that comment? I had been hurt more than that. I had said nasty things to myself. I have received worst.
Didi won't hurt me. I can only hurt myself. But it really sadden me that she thought I was being half-hearted about studying harder. I really don't like being misunderstood. So I gave her this bewildered look and shot a I-really-did-can't-you-trust-me-this-once face and turned to look at the other side because I was close to shedding tears.
Yeah, cry baby. Say whatever you want. Or if you don't, maybe I'm just being paranoid or conscious again. But that's normal, to me it is. Endless speaking voices inside my head, scrutinizing my every move and step in life. But I just hate that (being misunderstood). At home I'm always being swept aside and people get the wrong idea of what I've been trying to say or convey. It's just so frustrating.
Last night, it was Sean's birthday. I think he hates me. We never talk anymore eversince his voicebox broke and he grew so many inches in such a short time. Puberty is really making him feel shy around me and I wish we could be as close as before, sharing ice cream cones and laughing with each other.
Things really have changed. The person I really care about in the house is distancing himself away from me.
I am beginning to feel like such a loner. This love profile thingy is kind of true. A lot of it is the truth. Freaky, how horoscope works. Or it is just imagination? How does it seems to be reading me, inside? It's freaking me out but it makes me be more aware of who I am.
The reason why this diary is open to the public, is because I don't care anymore. I'm trying to train myself to be open to critisism and strangers. Let the whole world know about me. Let them spit on me. It's cyberworld, and I'm not going to shut this diary, even though it's tough, if any of my friends get a hold of the URL. Let's just hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, I'm going to stay strong.
Yesterday I had a relapse and I purged. It didn't matter at all - I am back to normal until the next relapse. I am really and fully committed to be healthy back and I will never stop trying.
Not going to care about people who doubt on me. I know I still have myself. I know what I am, I am not going to tell you false truths. I really didn't know about the homework and if Didi's gonna have this wicked and shallow perception of me, then fine, it's hers. But it shows how much I should really think of her. I used to think she's always going to be there by my side and trust me, but she turns out to be someone who always has doubts on me. When I was sick, down with terrible cough and flu, she thought I was escaping from the math test. Seriously, that is starting to make me feel really irritated, but I'm trying to hold it down.
Relax. A lot of the others put words into my mouth. Let them. Words that they utter dont matter and what matters is I know I'm telling the truth and I can never lie to myself.
-----------------------
I wish Sean will talk to me. I just can't bring myself to talk to him like friends. My own family is at such great distance away from me. Same house, under the same ceiling, different worlds.
I, in my room. They, in their own.
-------------------------
I feel so isolated. Am I the only Martian.
3:44 p.m. - 2004-08-24
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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