I have never thought of myself as a sexual object until this year. I realised that boys just could not resist looking at girls. Mind you, I thought something must be wrong with my hairstyle, my body, my face, my legs if anyone stared at me before. So I was wrong. Regardless of how I look like, I'm sure I get stared at. Ok.
I love Farrah so much :) hahah. We went out after school yesterday...and I was like kissing her on the cheeks and we planned beforehand to wear similar clothings, and similar everything (that included the same black nail polish.) and people looked at us like we were some kind of freakos. Ok, I was kissing her on the cheeks, out of sisterly love. Shush, brush off that lesbian ideas you have - I am not.
Anyway. Yes. A 30-something year old guy had the cheeks to come up to ask and start a conversation. I mean, he was sick-looking! His eyes were devillish. Eww. Here the convo goes. My friend, Cady, was there too.. but she mostly kept mum.
"Hey, where do you two work?""Sorry, we're still schooling."
"Oh. How old are you?"
"Me: Fift- Farrah: SHUSH! What do you want?"
"No..what nice clothes you have on."
"Me: Thank Y- Farrah: Ok.
"Don't need to be scared..."
"Me: Uh, we'r- Farrah: Who says we are?"
"Cady: Hey, we gotta go. Let's not bother about this sicko."
"Alright, we gotta go. *Farrah gave him a finger.*"
He didn't seem to feel anything. He could even blow us kisses. Eww. Ok, so each time I tried to talk, Farrah would intervene, which was quite good. I was just trying to be true to myself. Like, ok, I know I should not talk to strangers, but what if he means good? Oh, he could not... he was looking at us from top to bottom and had his eyes fixed on our chests and our asses. Oh ok, so he was a pervert. I should just shut my mouth up.
Farrah was just awesome :) Oh yes, Cady nearly threw her shoes at him for ogling at us. Thank goodness she didn't or she would have to walk barefooted. Straight after that, Cady went home, while Farrah and I hung out together until about 4pm.
And of course, we got teased again. I think I should get used to that and ignore it, rather than let it affect me. I don't know - I just don't get it. I'm about to grow up an adult, but I don't feel like to. I cannot picture myself working. I cannot picture myself being so exposed to the world dominated by money. I don't wanna suffer any downfalls. I don't want to fall. All my life, I have only fallen 5 times. Once, I broke my arm. The other four times were due to my stupidity of falling downn the stairs and slipping on banana skins. I hate to hurt myself. I hate the sight of blood. I cry all the time, and I don't think I can even be strong anymore, physically.
The truth is, I'm scared. I can write everything down here, and I mean it, or I won't spend hours writing about some fake stories. It's all truth. And I fear if my mates know about this.. because if they do, I wont be able to keep secrets of myself, and thus, they will know me inside out...and that bothers me, because I still want a part of me to be kept secret or private, but they are all down here, because I don't want to keep them with me anymore. I want to share it to something/someone I can trust 100%, and I trust/love this diary so much.
I could tell Farrah anything, but I would not be guaranteed 100% that I will feel safe doing that, or get empathy from her.. I don't want anyone to tell me that I am a poor thing or that. I just want someone to listen. Someone who I don't know and won't know. You bet I won't want to meet anyone of you reading this diary in real life. I just can't. No matter how near or far we are, I just won't.
Because you know every single thing about me, and I am conscious about that. You can read me like an open book and I'll be nothing that I can hide.
Dear Diary, I hope you stay long enough in Dland...until the day I die, because you're the one I am closest with and I can trust my life with.
9:59 a.m. - 2004-08-07
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
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i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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