My stomach's hurting... damn, I think it's thanks to bulimia. It's been quite a while since I binged and purged out the food. God, it really does sucked to be bulimic.. why did I ever become one, when I was happily (um. not really) bulimic and was hovering at 105lbs at my lowest?
I was such. an ass hole. I think I abandoned Ana immediately when I knew I was losing hair due to malnutrition and was not getting period for about 4 months. Shucks, and now I'm getting it every month without fail with means nothing aside that I'm only getting horizontally bigger. I really am. Though I can get into my skinny skirt back (yippers!) I could not even get my skinny jeans up my butt when they used to hang loose on me.
I am such. a failure. (!!!)
I desperately need to lose pounds by the end of this year or my long distance family members will think that I am losing control and getting uglier cuz I'm getting fatter. I have this theory of thinking, that even if you're ugly, you can still make the beautiful envy you if you have the figure to die for. actually, yeah, to die for.. that makes sense. I am so going to die to get down to 100 lbs, but I don't care.
I think I might hurt others unintentionally by refusing to eat their food and showing my peculiar habits to the public, but heck, why should i when they don't give a damn about how i feel and how they make me feel? selfishness begets selfishness. go eat those fatty food yourself, to the people who feed me excessively, cuz i dont deserve to eat.
even if i do, im not able to stop myself and will purge, like today. now my stomach's acting up again. it feels like it is punched right into the ribs. gosh, this hurts and i am dead tired but i can't sleep cuz of this unbearable pain... maybe i should apply some medicated oil on my tummy. today i couldnt go to the gym because the sun was so hot, and i felt so dizzy all of a sudden..and basketball training was cancelled, leaving me plentiful of time to waste just now. and i had some phlegm stuck in my throat.. i think im running a flu.. my forehead's feeling a little hot.
ahhhh god damn self, you fatso, why cant you just do anything right? why must you ruin your plan NEVER to abuse food anymore?! you need to lose about 20 lbs more and what are you doing now? Skipping workouts and getting sick all the time. WTF? Stop being such a bitch and pull up your socks.. you're fat and if you are, you're worthless. Face the fact, you can never be respected unless you attain that goal of yours. Remember that, self! Be focussed! Please..
I'm so defeated. People are getting thinner and thinner while I'm getting nowhere. I swing from both extreme ends like a pendulum bob. I'm lost. Totally clueless as to what I really want for myself, other than this weight loss. What does getting to 100 lbs have anything to do to changing my life? I dont know. Improved confidence is one.. but if I keep on having health problems..what's the point?
Oh dear self, I dunno. I dont want you to suffer.. but I just can't let you do whatever you want, or let you free cuz you're bound to pull me down, and disappoint me. I don't trust you much, you know that!
Oh Ana, why do you make me feel like I'm such a bitch to myself?
11:46 p.m. - 2004-08-04
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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