Thanks Lauren for being there for me while I'm hanging on tightly to the edge of my life.
No doubt that my head won't stop spinning or give itself a rest. I didn't even sleep during classes. That was a wow thing because I slept at 4am last night... and this insomnia is wrecking me inside. I don't want it to go away... as much I want it to let me go.. the sensation protects me as much as it hurts me, and I don't know what to choose...and it doesn't matter anyway. I reckon if I can't get the perfect mind or the perfect soul, at least I can achieve something like a perfect body. Something that I can take control of. The situation around me is just so tensed and chaotic, and nothing is under control. As a result, I feel like I'm never going go up.. but even more further down towards depression and much unneeded anxiety.
I want a vibrant life with total freedom instead of having strings around, controlling my every movement and scrutinizing all my mistakes and make them public. My parents are such a set of bitches. I never thought they would meddle with my belongings and made fun of them. I am so insulted. And they said they respected me. Pooh.
I don't care - I'm getting out of this place as soon as possible.
Current problems would just be left unsolved..and they would dissolve anyway, with time being the solvent. I can handle this lingering cold at my feet and my body... I can handle this withering body that just craves for love and warmth, I can control what I think and make those evil thoughts go away.... or can I?
My body's shaking not because of anxiety, but in so much coldness, it's weird..and it's keeping me awake... keeping me alive because I know when I'm struggling with it, I still have the energy and the power to conquer that cold.. and despite feeling almost dead inside, my heart sometimes races due to unexplanable reasons, I just feel like I'm okay.. with all these weird things happening, I'm still okay, still alive, still functioning.
The cycle of self-hate is not going to stop anytime sooner. I'm not going to promise anyone anything.
I fear failure. I fear it more than death.
8:26 p.m. - 2004-07-27
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
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i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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