My head's spinning round and round incessantly. I could not sleep. Fatigue is catching up with me and my lips feels dry. My heart feels weak and my stomach is somewhat empty though I have drank some water and ate some crackers.
What is happening to me? Suddenly my body feels like it's wasting away...and it is. I have major rapid weight loss all of a sudden and it scares me, though I have always wanted this to happen... but this is just too fast. As fast as seeing my hipbones jutting out when they were hidden by layers of fats just about a week ago.
I find it funny, but I cannot laugh - this is serious. Am I seriously wasting away? Am I losing weight too fast? Am I losing my ways too soon? I'm so full of questions...and I cannot find the answers. The obvious is to say "yes" to everything.. but really? Nooo.. can I choose to deny?
I feel ill in some indescribable ways. I have this emptiness inside me which I don't know if it's emotional or physical. Probably I should eat more... or should I just let it pass? I feel tired..and delirious in my head. I could not sleep because my heart just feels a slight pain and there is a cloud over my head which I could not brush away. Muscles twitching. Body shivering slightly in coldness. Stomach contracting in different sorts of twists and shapes. It's not painful.. but it's not comfortable either. It's just disturbing, and I cannot sleep.
Weird, but I have Blink 182's Down in my head.
Down, down, down, down...down, down, down, down... That just keeps playing in my head right now and I cannot shake that song off. I feel awful. What is happening around here? I am not sad.. neither am I happy... neither am I contented..and neither am I comtemplating to regain weight or something.. I just feel... nothing. My body feels nothing inside. My brain feels so spacey and awfully empty. My fingers just want to keep on typing and typing what I'm feeling right now both emotionally and physically to keep the tense out from them... I just cannot stop... I just cannot slow down... I just cannot sleep.
I am actually feeling what I was three years ago, when I felt so sick, I could not sleep, and I could stay awake all day without caffeine. It's some weird high sensation I am going through right now. Insomnia... or the lack of sleep.. probably due to too much exercise.. or too little calories to sustain my body that it begins to waste away and feels so cold..and my head just feels light and everything seems so fuzzy and ... perfect. I look at my reflection on the mirror and I see my ribcage showing a little. Satisfied, but yet it happens too fast, I cannot readjust.
I feel hungry but yet I don't want to fill it up with food to numb that hunger, because I love that constant reminder that I am getting thinner and tinier by the days. That hunger is just so purifying.. so intense.. it's calling for a feed, but I am not letting it.. or am I? I have cans of diet coke, maybe I shall have one...or two.. or three, it doesn't matter. So many feelings, in so little time, I am feeling so confused, so disorientated, and so delirious.
What is happening to me. This doesn't happen to me two days before. Yesterday I had stuff like this...and today, yes, it's getting more and more intense. I just cannot slow down... I have this unexplanable burst of energy and euphoria.. is it the caffeine in the colas? Or just my overworking mind that keeps on turning, tumbling, inside upside down?
I don't know. That song still keeps playing in my head. [Oh stop it...stop it..STOP IT!!!]
No. I can't. I have no control over my head. It's controlling me. If the brain controls everything, then who controls the brain? It is God, or is it me? When I'm brain dead, I'll die. So who kills the brain?
I shall stop now..and shut my eyes.. who kills the brain..? Maybe it's me.. but who controls me..the brain and what controls it.. my mind's running in circles that never seem to find it's finishing line..
3:29 a.m. - 2004-07-27
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