I have to distract myself. I'm beginning to fall back out to bulimia, and things are going crazy lately. I don't think I can ever get away with anything. What's with God, people looking at you, spies... they make me feel scrutinized and unsafe. Though we run to God when we need help, I just think He won't help me, because I've never been doing anything He asks me to. You know, I cannot expect anyone or Him to help me, because I owe them something in return and I have not done anything.
What if God is just an idea? Like the last resort of survival. Like you're going to die and fucking rot, and you have nowhere to go (you think), and so you create the idea of going to heaven if you're good, and if you're horrible, you'll go to hell. If that's the case, I'm going to hell, no doubt about it. Nothing's gonna save me. If God knows me, he would know what stuff I'm going to do next..and he can change me, but he doesn't. He just let me continue doing what I'm doing which has nothing in purpose, and let me die in a bad torturous way and then He would say that I deserve hell.
I've never been religious. Maybe that's why my capacity of thinking the idea of God is damn low. All I know, is that he's the supreme one... but gosh, I have done nothing for him. I do little stuff you know.. like donating.. feeding the hungry cats.. not stealing for 4 years, help the old people cross the road..
Basic stuff that people do. Nevertheless, as honest as I am, I lie. Sometimes. Who doesn't lie? Well, I probably lie once or twice in a week. I lie to myself at least ten times a day. Lying that I am worth it. Lying that God loves me. Lying that I won't die. Lying that I can make mistakes and get away with it (but no, I don't.). Lying that people actually accept me as who I am (No. This is a BIG lie.). Lying that I AM USEFUL. (God, that is.. stupid. I am USELESS.) Lying that I am still young and can afford to do anything I want. (I CAN'T.)
I know my talents (yeah, I have some) but I'm disinterested in life. I know I'm going to hurt people at the end of the day. My mom gets sick and tired of me. I'm wasting away. I wanna be skin and bones.
Here are some guys. Confession: Skinny guys turn me on. Average guys, too. All except for some type of guys. But skinny guys are tops.
Okay, I love Cone.
Only Adam Levine..and that guitarist.. I don't know what's his name.
Okay, I'm out of here. Tata.
9:27 a.m. - 2004-07-18
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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