The whole day in school, all I could think of, was this:
"Oh my god, what am I going to binge on later? Cream crackers! Puddings! Cakes! I am so hungry, and I am dying to eat them all. No, I can't. I will go fat. I will purge them away. How can I abuse myself that way? I want to eat them though. Oh I am so out of control. Help. Oh yes, I can meet my school counsellor. Oh no, she will know about me. No. I will be so ashamed. Oh no. The nurse will be weighing us in a month's time. She'll shout it out loud. Oh my GOD. I am so fat. I am so hungry."
That huge mass of confusion and intrusion of the inner voices was practically killing me. During classes, I stayed awake for the first time in my life for the whole day. Why? I was busy entertaining my thoughts and creating resolutions and plans. Which, was quite a good idea, seeing that I stayed according to the plan half of the time. The other half? Well, it was all so impromptu and natural.
Hungry? Of course, I'll grab for anything to eat. What did I eat? Half a small serving of french fries. I was tempted to purge it out, but could not bear to. That was for lunch. I ate pineapple for breakfast. As for late lunch, I ate a slice of watermelon, some rice, fish and spinach. Some dates. Peanuts. Chips. Chocolates. Crackers. I blew it.
My plan was to actually ignore my hunger strikes, which would end up in a bingeing fest, so as to not end up purging lastly. I mean, I am right, am I not? To stop purging, I have to stop bingeing. And to stop bingeing, I just have to ignore whatever my body says. Hunger, can be an emotional hunger instead of a real one. I am so confused and puzzled by my body signals. It is so complicated.
Whatever it is, it takes me three fucking years to come to this stage. To get over this, I will not be surprised if I take another three fucking years to recover. THREE YEARS + THREE YEARS = SIX YEARS WASTED.
Dieting ruins your life. Don't even get started on it.
One good thing I did today: I went to work out in the gym for 1 hour :)
Bad thing: Overdid on snacks. Skipping dinner later.
6:55 p.m. - 2004-04-20
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