Can you believe this? I purged again last night at 12 midnight... was having a strange cravings for carbs and ate my heart out. Bloated and fat, I purged them all out.
My life.
It is so wrecked; I don't even bother to think about recovering at all. I have failed in so many attempts, and because I am being realistic, I am not setting up any more recovery goals yet. Not until I reach my goal weight. Not until I am satisfied. Tomorrow I am going to swim with Fez for two hours. I went to the gym just now, and oh god, I was so fat. I worked out for two hours, and was feeling so happy that I managed to drag myself to exercise.
I am going to do everything. Doing what it takes to get me to 108 lbs fast. I cannot wait to be able to get into my skinniest clothes again. I hate my weight, and I hate myself. I am bulimic and I am so destroyed by pills and laxatives. Why not God be much fairer and give life to those who treasure it, then wasting it to somebody like me? It's hopeless.
I cannot live this way. Yet, if I don't want to be me, no one else will take my place.
That's how unwanted I am. I am so fucked.
Rape me.
Anyone. Just take my mind off reality.
[Excuse me, while I stuff myself with food, then the same old routine.]
I NEED HELP.
6:54 p.m. - 2004-04-19
Recent entries:
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