I purged my breakfast.
How come this is not surprising? Nothing about me is surprising anymore. I ate little from everybody's share of breakfast (without them knowing it) and ate up every junk foods I could find in the house. Knowing that I did not want to be responsible for the amount of calories, I quickly took my towel and gave an impression that I was going to shower. I did, plus I did the purging too.
I make people happy, only to disappoint them without their knowledge. Everyone thought I was already recovered from my ED. They saw me eating a lot. They smiled. Without their presence, I'd go to the toilet, and did my job. My fucking shameful job.
I am struggling to keep up with all these promises of recovery and promises to stop this shit. I have made a promise to myself to stop all these crap, too. However, those were just words. Words that meant nothing. Promises, they are really meant to be broken by me. I feel so sorry for myself, naturally. And I feel so angry with myself, for making others feel bad.
This year... like years before, I am still struggling with EDs. I am still constipated. I am still depressed and delirious. Even worst, I start to abuse myself. What's becoming of me, I don't know.
What's so different about me this year, is that, I have already became a shopaholic. I am such a sucker for clothing. This year, I know more about myself; I love collecting postcards. I love to read magazines and books. I have more friends this year, and they don't judge me for how I look like. I am no longer the only one who is real concerned about my weight; 3/4 of my classmates are self-conscious too. I open up more to Fez.
And instead of me being anorexic, I am bulimic now. The natural transistion. Go to something-fishy.com and you can see that a lot of anorexics will turn to bulimia eventually. I am one of the statistics.
This is awful. Told you dreaming is better than waking up to reality.
12:00 p.m. - 2004-04-18
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
gavin-joel
anorexicpoet
wolfstone
bender87
squishyvan
someday-
nateboxley
randomsnark
patient-
prettysprite
zigglett
brokenwords
hilaryjordan
morning-view
andlikedude
ladyofthefae
shaggybill
unclebob
oceans-depth
silverbiker
j-pizz
dani-lou
chicagojo
brian-writer
elixia
gingeryette
radiogurl
torato
beety-queen
sir-liver
bleedinbitch
karabats
jesbohn
wildcrazy13
rosytears
soft-parades
infinidox
braw
lightfallsup
therules
what-if-
mixtape-
aquietboy
girldivided
ablossomfell
chsturtle
that
tealeaves
science-girl
ditchwater
firewaterice
clarity25
soul-glimpse
endiary
p-o-y
idealistic
stillbeating
theghostgirl
almostalone
her-story
marn
lovemetwice
inaptbeauty
softplaces
love-metal
dark-doll
lovelybones
bloodstream
kex
alwaysinhim
jackthripper