Wow. After a long hiatus, I have decided to come back. FreakyMandy is back. Unlocked. Exposed. Do whatever you want.
Gavin's right; I should not be ashamed of who I really am. I cannot make everyone like or understand me and my problems. It's my life, and I should not let anyone restrict me into doing anything I want.
This year, I have changed a lot. I have more freedom, I have started life anew. I am still bulimic, but I have begun to look at things in different ways. I am sorry, but I still purge, and abuse pills and laxatives, because of the overwhelming pressure of having hypothyroidism problem.
Won't you feel depressed, if you wake up 2 lbs heavier each day? That's what's going to happen to you if you get hypothyroidism and everything just move slower. It just sucks the life out of me, and it's yet another challenge for me. Even the doctor said that it was rare for a teenager to get it. I felt so fucked.
I miss my friends here. How are you guys doing? Uhn...my best friend now, is no longer Janey. It's Fez now. I'm closer to her than anybody else, and she knows about my eating disorder and my pill abuse. That is why I no longer really write in my diary (or diaries.) because I have a friend to pour my heart and soul with. It's really refreshing and nice to trust someone into your darkest secrets, kept for years and years. Now they are all exposed to her, I felt more relieved, but I am going to write about my day here still.
I tried to start a new diary EVERYTIME, but come to realisation that my heart belongs here and only here. I have my fave diaries listed and Gavin, Dani, and others are here too. I don't know how to thank them all for being so nice to me, that I sometimes feel like I am not worthy of their friendship. Possibly a girl like me don't deserve such great people as friends, right? Well...
I dreamt a beautiful dream last night. I was hooked up with this beautiful and gorgeous-looking guy. He had chiselled features and his eyes were so piercing. We went for several romantic dates... married and had sex in a posh hotel in Italy. We spent our honeymoon days there too. It was raining, and he took his hanky and wiped my face with it. I held his hands, and we KISSED passionately. Suddenly he stopped.
I woke up. *groan*
It was so sudden. Everything was so beautiful in that dream, I never wanted to wake up at all. I don't want to face another mundane day. I know I was going to have another terrible day. I purged today too. Forced my fingers down my throat and watched those food particles swivelled down the toilet bowl. Everything was just so depressing and miserable. I cried continuously for hours and hours. I wanted to call Fez, but I couldn't.
I already promised her that I would stop. Start life anew. Promised her to throw away all the pills I was hooked on. Promised her that I would be in a good condition from the day I promised her all that.
I broke it. She would be so disappointed. Everyone would be so disappointed in me. I felt so crossed with myself. How could I let this happen? Where is my dignity? Where is my self-respect? Where is everything?
I hate to say this, but I am beginning to see the pointless of living at all. There is no point of living, is there? I think everybody has this thought... we're all going to die, but we are still living, because we still do. We don't need to think about what we're going to do in life; just live it.
Live it. That's the hardest part of all. I purge and binge all day. Is that what life supposed to be for me? I want to break free from all these chains, but I can't. It's hard. It's painful.
It's impossible. It's been three years, and it seems more and more pointless to even think about recovery. I am out of control, and out of life. Exhausted and dried up on ideas to keep things alive.
10:12 p.m. - 2004-04-17
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
For those who are concerned. - 2006-12-14
mindless self indulgent rant - 2006-03-12
i could feel my bones. - 2006-02-28
2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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