freakymandy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- escaping/fighting it/questions answered I thought of something this morning. That something - Escaping from troubles, running away from them, is much easier and fun than fighting it. Fighting it can only result in resistance. Why fight? Maybe I shall just take it easy, and get defeated. Just letting myself be defeated, instead of trying to gain victory against the force. Running away from troubles, getting into more troubles..more running, more escapes. Fighting against things are starting to get very tiring. I've been fighting too much and who ends up wounded? It's me. Or maybe both of us. It's a lose-lose situation. There can never be a win-win. Trying to be radical and too opinionated is not acceptable, yeah? Given my attitude and competitive streak, I don't think I can feel good escaping from things. I am much better off losing after taking some serious risks. I have the "at least I've tried" mentality. However, that is what I say when I admit that I am the loser. If I really actually DO it instead of trying, I would not even use that excuse. I have always gotten what I want and not getting it after struggling so hard, is a downright failure. I want a great body? Maybe not really the greatest, but I am happy... I don't need to fucking starve myself anymore and I'm discovering the joy of eating. In moderation. I still believe real food and nutritious food tastes nicer and wholesome than junk food. McDonald's sucks, minus their yogurt and occasional "healthy" treats. Nothing disgusts me more than their cheese. Cheap cheese. 5g of fat. Check. After suffering for three years of disordered eating, I am quite sure I am not about to go back to my old route. Tea with honey is too hard to resist. Who cares, honey is a good source of nutrients. So technically, though I am not at my skinniest, I am not at my fattest and I still look okay in my fave top-and-skirt get up. Oh I love skirts. So great body? Not so, but healthy? Yeah. I want to get good grades in school? Yeah but of course. That's what sets me apart from everyone in my big family tree. I'm supposed to be the "most intelligent" ey? However this year, I have chosen a different path. I am NOT living to get good grades. I am all for a better, fun life. Not to spend hours on books. Yes, I believe I am intelligent, but I believe mugging and crash studying for exams don't work. As a result, I am doing fairly okay in all subjects, screwing Chemistry, Physics and Math. Other than that, I am okay. Not the most intelligent anymore, but I have more knowledge about the world outside textbooks. I don't want the grades to define me. I don't care about losing my fucked identity anymore. To hell with conformity. To hell with expectations from others. No more pleasing and bootlicking. I'm all for me, in choosing how to live my own life. You don't like me? It's okay, I ca |