Haloween. What haloween?
I have haloween every day. I wake up and I know the day's gonna go awry or sometimes surprisingly good. I love my good days... they are always EXCEPTIONALLY good and the bad days are those days I wish I could just die and go straight to hell.
Today I realised how little I talked. I rarely talk, if at all. But I do talk a lot to myself... in the head. I figure some things are better left unsaid and so many people hurt others through their words. I better off think before I speak.
Rebecca cried today because someone hurt her with her words. You know, she cried because someone told her to back off. She would die if she had gone through what I was going through. Humiliation and lies, betrayal by those I have worshipped. Betrayal sucks. Backstabbing and blackmailing are the worst kinds.
I realised also how much I hated school and the people in it. It was like an asylum. The people were crazy in there. Books, they woshipped more than their lives, even their friends. They were willing to throw everything for an A. I have found myself rolling my eyes everytime somebody lament about how regretful they are and everything. There is no use regretting. My regret is going to a school where nobody really treasures their friends and everyone only cares about now and then. What about the future and what about their friends? Worst, I am going to an all-girls school, but whatever. Boys (read: BOYS) are pussies at this age anyway. I don't pretty much care about boys.
I'm only attracted to the ones I see on the streets... or the ones I know, but only because I let myself get attracted. I let myself be what I really am. In school, I pretty much keep myself to me. What's the point of opening up when everyone's so crazyyyyy over gossiping over people who seem to just mind their own business? I get the wildest kind of rumors going on about me and I don't even know the girl. *roll eyes* What is this? Oh well, I ignore all of them. I refuse to talk part in girl talks.
The girls in my school are crazyyyy. To them, I am. To me, they are. Oh confusing world. The only time I feel so good is when it's weekends and there's no school. Or the best time will be not going to school at all.
My classmates suck. Some are racists, some are so fake. Some kills the other classmates just to get their As. These kind of things... just make me hate school more.
As much as I hate being at home, I do hate being in school and pretty much the place where I wanna be is in my room ALONE or outside ALONE.
Oh I am so anti-social. I can be so friendly, I am. But I act cold because it's not worth it, being all nice and having people stepping onto my head all for the wrong kind of reasons.
They make being "nice" seems like a crime.
Let me be evil. Let me be cold. Just leave me alone. Why does school have to suck so bad this year? Worst, the Bitch just can't get over me and even though she's posted to a different class and knows nothing more about me, she just makes up stories of me because she's so in love with me.
I don't even know why people bother to talk about me. I have nothing. Probably only my diary but am I so interesting to read? Or am I just so cute, they can't stop talking about me? Of course, I'm kidding about me being cute. Maybe I am, but I don't wish to be an object of gay girls appeal.
Just kidding again. But then, 1/4 of my classmates are gay, so there you go. And they are not even attractive ones. Gays to me are special people and most of the time they are attractive, but the lesbians in my class are so not fanciable.
Really, I find gays attractive but those of my class are so special, they are not. When they open their mouths, they look worst.
I find that "men" are getting more feminine and the "girls" or "women" are getting more masculine in terms of character. Why are my guy friends crying to me??! And why do people look at me like I can't wear skirts? Am I being gay because I wear skirts? I love my skirts. I feel so bad when I wear jeans or pants. Just because I run sometimes in my skirt and people look at me like I'm naked. C'mon girls, I wear skirts, doesn't show I'm some feminist or that I'm feminine.It's what I'm confortable in and when I need to urinate, I can just flap it and do the deed. I don't have to meddle with some buttons or zips that sometimes get stuck within themselves. Lousy zips.
Because I don't talk, that's why some things find their ways here. I'm so sorry if I have offended anyone... I'm dreadfully sorry, but there's nowhere else my words could go to. I don't talk at home unless someone talks to me, because when I try to, no one wants to talk to me at all.
I'm I-N-V-I-S-I-B-L-E most of the time, for real, at home.
I love everybody but not one in particular except from my grandma, and I don't know who I am and what I'm gonna be if she's gone, which is not going to be so a long time later. Every day I worry about that day. She can't die, or I'd die too. I hope God understands. My life can't go on if she's gone. I'm for real. She's like my purpose and my reason. Sad, but true. If anyone hurt her, she/he is going to be hated for life..or cursed for life. Yeah, I am that revengeful and I'd die for her.
No one cares for me as much as she does. And she doesn't even care for me much. My mom and dad only care for me when I'm sick.
The most loved moments are those when I'm sick and that's when pain comes in too. I don't get pleasure without pain accompanying it. When I have my happy times I know those don't come easy and that brings me down too.
Sometimes I don't know when I'm genuinely happy. Maybe when I'm all by myself and maybe that's when I feel safe... and protected. I worry and that's what secure me, if I have worried enough. When I don't think or worry, things are bound to surprise me.
I shan't think about Jamie anymore. He doesn't know me well, or knows nothing much about me or think of me as something worth thinking at all. WhenI get close to him, Farrah thinks I am being a bitch. Bitch, what bitch? Just simply being a friend to him. Sometimes I don't get her. Maybe she's so used to me being a mute.
What is a bitch anyway?There's so many labels going on in school. Why must school be a place where everyone is labelled and I am so glad I am the so-called "unknown" in school. I can die and I won't affect anyone and that makes me feel good.
At least I'd be gone with no worries and I am very positive I have been a all-rounded positive person and I don't remember hurting anyone with my words or actions.
Yeah, I have nothing to say sorry to anyone. And I owe nobody anything.
2:55 p.m. - 2004-11-02
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