freakymandy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- regrets This is so exasperating! Now, can you tell me if fruits, veggies, bread and milk are not important! I asked my dad for about 5 freaking bucks, so I could buy some food for myself because the house is plentiful of rubbish! Rubbish = chicken pies, pies, pastry and frozen meat. And they are mainly consumed by my brothers! How about me? They are willing to pay for them but not me! Sometimes I have to buy those nearly decayed fruits, just because I need to cut down the cost. You know how pathetic that is? All I'm asking for is for FIVE FREAKING BUCKS! Nobody cares whether I cry or not about this. This is too far. It's only 13th of October for god's sakes. It's not even the end of the month yet. I HATE MONEY. Why must it be so hard? I put on better clothes than the rags I was wearing and then came to my dad, "Dad, I need five bucks. I need to buy food." Dad: "I have no money left." Me: "Seriously?" Dad: "Seriously. Who do you think I am? Some big shot? I don't..." Before he could finish it, I just went into my room and locked myself into it. And here I am now, writing about it. This is not a petty issue. I know where his money has gone to. His money goes to his freaking idiotic mother, who I don't wish to have a grandmother like her, who have tons of gold and never likes my family at all. She just goes around spreading hurtful lies about us.... I wish she could die. Secondly, his money goes to my stupid good for nothing uncles who just went out of prison and idling around. I wish I didn't say that.. that was hurtful, but it's true, they are good for nothing and they earn no respects from me. Thirdly, his cigarettes. He'd die from cancer, I swear. Smokes one whole pack a day. If he really dies from cancer, he deserves it. Let me be the insensitive bitch for now. I really hate the way money ruins everything. My dad earns peanuts. I have no branded clothes, I wear cheapskate clothes. I have no shoes now. My only pair just broke into half. I have no bags. I have freaking nothing than an average girl has! Dad: "Hey, how much do you need and what do you want to buy?" And then I just close the door, gently. I wish I could bang it into his face. Let me be the insolent child, I freaking don't give a shit... if I could but I was already sobbing and sniffing and I don't want me to cry some more because I don't wish to do that. My dad is working an average job but because we have to give most of it to others, we have nothing much left. Most of the time, I survive on nothing but rice and veggies, and there's nothing much to eat at home...I need calcium and I don't get it regularly. It's like as if I am planning to die of osteoporosis. I wish to live with Al. She has credit cards.. her parents earn a lot of money and their house is so rich.. they have good foods. It may be stupid of me to say this, but I am really hungry.. but I'd rather be hungry than to eat those boring foods again. I can't take in another spoonful of rice anymore..oh dear god please. Breakfast: Nothing. I am hungry.. but I'd rather starve than to eat rubbish. I'm gonna save up some money to buy a pair of jeans ( I have none now.) and look for a job... if I can, by next week. I don't care about school anymore.. I have done my exams, I am focussing on my future job then. If I want to depend on my parents, I'm gonna die. Know what they said? "Yeah, go and find a job. We don't care anymore. We don't think you can find a job at all." Yes. THEY DONT CARE ANYMORE. THEY DONT EVEN GIVE ME HOPE. They want me to study study study and I am not born to study and be smart. I am freaking stupid. I can't do all my exams and like as if my worth is just my brains. I used to say I hated myself. Nothing could be quite as true as this.. I truly hate myself and my life. It's full of shit. This tuesday I'm seeing the stupid school councellor and bare everything to her. To think of it, I am so so stupid to turn down the naked picture offers. I could have just take those offers and get some bucks for myself. Really, I am so stupid. My self-honor means nothing. Modesty, what? It's nothing. It doesn't give me a good life, it doesn't even help me in anyway. I am regretting EVERYTHING. Self-honor means shit. Stupid, stupid, stupid. [EDIT] Okay, self-respect means a lot of things, but yeah, I really meant what I said just now, but now, I don't think I was right. But I know it was right the time I said it. Oh well. I'm this fickle-minded. Self-honor meant shit and nothing to me. Just now. And the next time I'll say that. 9:12 p.m. - 2004-10-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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