freakymandy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- unhappy The more I discover about myself, the lesser I think I know about who I really am. I don't think I have grown too much this year, but a lot of things have changed and I find it hard to adjust to them. Life is all about changes and if this is too hard for me to handle, then that spells out bad news. However, I cannot deny I feel completely a fish out of water this year. Too many changes, too little time, too many problems, no one to listen. I have come to a point in my life when I feel so depressed, it's like not able to feel anything other than that. I have my neutral days, but my laughters seem to have a bitter tinge to it. They sound fake. Like there's something in it that doesn't scream out happiness.. My friends could sense it..and they know, and I cannot deny. But how could they tell, my heart queries. Damn, I hate it when people see right through me... I want to be able to hide things from them whilst baring some of the most shameful part of me to them. If they know I am this vulnerable... it will be easier for them to step on my head and take advantage of me.. like they always do. I want to be happy.. I have told you guys that I am not insecure, but maybe I have two sides of me. I can switch from one to another and today, I have switched to the insecure, lonely and depressed one. Some of your fists are now aching to box me in the face now. Some of your mouths are feeling the urge to scream out, "Stop whining!!!" You know what? Do it. Too bad internet doesnt allow you to. However not, I am feeling some emotional and physical pain self-inflicted and nothing can take anything away from me now and that thought sucks. It sucks so much. I have lost far too many battles. Why do I tend to look at my shortcomings than what I am good at? Why do people tend to look into my mistakes and undermine on my good points? 3:40 a.m. - 2004-09-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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