This diary has become a diary of fears. Fear of a lot of things. I can be truly happy one day and the next day I can be very well depressed and people might think I am faking it. You know, I don't. I have no reason to. I feel what I feel. I may have some problems regarding feelings, but I have none about expressing myself.
A lot of people experience this, but they cover it up quite well. My friends have this too, but they end up expressing it the other ways like cutting themselves, getting into troubles, fighting, rebelling.. I express it through writing, and people have problems with that, but I don't.
People like to think that they have the right to do everything they want onto a person. Isn't it my right to feel what I am feeling? Everyone has their good times and their bad times. Somehow when I'm trying to express the joy I feel, you will think this way: "Isn't this girl depressed? Why is she suddenly so happy? Oh don't worry, she'll be depressed again the next day. There you go."
I let myself feel whatever I'm feeling. But it's hard not to get affected when people look at me like I'm being controlled of my feelings, like I don't deserve to feel happy. Because of your stupid labels like I, the depressed kid or whatever. I admit I do feel depressed, but I can feel happy too. I'm not some goth creature, I am not involved in any of your fucked up stereotypes. I'm a little of everything but nothing whole.
I am quite paranoid. When I use the word "people", it is what I thought the general world would think of me...which could be just made up of my imaginations, or past experiences. I'm not that a significant person to say the least, for you or anybody to notice. I just hope to be given the chance to prove myself, and live a life.
It's terrible to be always misunderstood and ignored. I hate it when I talk to somebody and he/she just fucking ignores me. Am I transparent? Dave and Sean no longer treat me like I am their sister. I can talk to them, and they'll just look away. This is so hurtful. What have I done? Just because I am a girl, ... I don't know. We're brought up never to express our feelings outwardly. That's why I'm here. I believe some of us are like I too, being denied to feel, and being ignored of our existences.
Friends are important, but they can't take the places of a great family. A good family foundation is important for everyone.. I guess without it, you'll feel lost. Just look at the lost expressions of those orphans and you get what I mean. It's not the same, having great friends and comparing it to a family that cares about you.
I used to be eager to impress my family to get love. My dad used to tell me that fat girls don't deserve to wear jeans because they would look horrible in it. I was 13. That was how I got involved in anorexia. That also, after being ridiculed by my ex, saying that I was a little too fat. Why do you keep using my physical size to hurt me?
Now I realise that I no longer have to tolerate all these stupid craps. The reason why I still have bulimia now is because I have problems managing my feelings and emotions. Not as much as the reason to want to be thin. I just want to be accepted, for who I am, but you just don't give me the chance. And I'm not going to take in all your rubbish, dad, or everyone that has hurt me in one way or another that led me to anorexia, bulimia, and other abuses like laxatives, and diet pills. One thing I have not done is self-mutilation.. I did not, because I am ever so afraid of seeing blood.
I hate blood. Those images of spilling blood and gory scenes. I hate to fall and hurt myself.
The drive to perfection is getting stronger for everyone, but I accept that I can't be, and I have shortcomings. I am willing to try hard, just to recover from this. But I need to be given the faith and trust that I can do this. If you keep on hurting me in the process, it's gonna be harder for me to recover... and you can still keep on bitching about how I'm being so fucked and seeking "attention". You know what, you have no idea what I'm going through so you might as well shut your bloody mouth up.
Ok, I am so full of angst in this entry. Before it gets out of control, let me take my pillow and punch the hell out of it.
1:50 p.m. - 2004-09-01
Recent entries:
kristian - 2008-09-04
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2006 woot. - 2006-02-24
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