God, I'm blessed with a mind to think like everyone else, so why do I think differently? Why cannot I just accept what others have accepted and just move on, instead of trying to defy the current and get swept by it instead? I simply refuse to accept things like a dumbass. How can I just take in things blindly? That's like living without giving a shit whether the ways are right or wrong.
I'm getting myself a job. I told my mom I could not stand it, looking at my dad struggling with two jobs to support our expenses. I know one day I won't let my future husband do that - I want to help him in every way I can... instead of leaving it all to him by giving the stupid excuse that "because I am a woman, all I need to do is to make babies and raise the family". Rubbish.
I think I would live in guilt if I let my man do every single dirty job, while I'm just left with the ordinary no-brain cooking and keeping the house clean. Right now, I can see my dad shrinking in size in front of my eyes..and his face is a dead, gaunt expression. He can really pass as an anorexic. I swear, he eats only two times a day and not more than 800 kcals.. and he works so mighty hard. i should and could have been more understanding - with his kind of lifestyle, he's bound to get all that tension.. maybe I should just let myself be his punching bag.
As much as I am mad at my family, I love them unconditionally. I just hate it that we are too focussed to get what we really want.. money being one of them. You can say money is not important, love is, blah blah, but unless you're put into situations where your own relatives steal your money, cheated on you, begged for it, and divorces happened because of it, you have not seen the power money possesses. My father works so hard, not only to support the five of us - he has to pay my jobless uncle's FAMILIES bills, because they are good for nothing bums who simply just give up.
I shall think about them, and I know I will never give up. They are simply a disgrace. I mean, they really steal. And how do they use the stolen money? Gosh, they spend it on DRUGS, booze, sex and women. And you wonder why I am this bitter.
To be honest with you, when I was only four, I was taught how to do little shoplifts by my relatives. You know, act cutesy and put things into pockets when nobody's watching. To lie and cheat, just to get sweets, money.. it's fucked up. I'm just happy I am not like that anymore, but when I was a kid, I was a total criminal. What kind of family let their own little toddler steal, huh? No, I mean, my set of family is OKAY. Just my uncles..aunties..those who have been into jail more than once for drug-related things, thefts, robbery and stuff. It's so fucked up.
I love my grandmother to death. My maternal grandma. I never see her feeling happy at all. She deserves so much better, but her kids just turn out to be such crooks. Except for my mom, my Aunt Sue. The other three are either a bum, a druggist, and an ingrate who earns big money but always try to avoid us (because he thinks we are after his money. You know what, I curse him to hell.) She's withered to a little more than nothingness and sometimes I can see her crying silently. I have her picture with me.. but I dare not look at her face because I'll cry. I used to look at it every single night when I was 9, and wonder why is she not blessed with comfort. My mom got really upset that I cried so much, she took that pic away from me.
I never loved my paternal one - she sucks ass. She has hundreds of jewellery sets and she still wants more money from my dad. She's a total slut. (Once, she tried to make my dad hook up with a slut. GOD, WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS THAT? My mom was devastated. Period. AND AND - she's 60 plus, dying soon, and she has a toyboy who's only 20 plus. GOD DAMN SLUT.) I hate the way she tries to break my family. I hate the way she gossips about us and twist things around. Now you know why I don't participate in much gossips.. so many girls think I am anti-social and stuff, but you know... words can really break things. Hard.
Years of putting up with all these has made me a little more stronger inside...and weaker at the same time. Each time I try to stand on my feet, something just crops out and I'll fall again. My family used to be peaceful.. until others try to break into it and cause a major stir. Like that slut my grandma was TRYING TO GET MY DAD to marry her. I mean, fuck, what is WRONG with her. It's just so wrong. A 60 yr old woman still doing sex with a 20 year old gigolo is so wrong. It's just so disgraceful, and I'm writing them here, because I don't want it to be pulling myself down emotionally. This is like an appeal to all the lonely old and dying women out there with still burning desire to fuck around and mess families up - don't you feel shameful of yourself? I mean, GIVE UP. Your body is blargh, and your vaginas are losing their elasticity, so please, PLEASE, save your money and spend on some community work than strip clubs and whatever crap you're doing.
What's the point of me keeping these all to myself? I can probably knock some sense into someone who might be doing this...and if my grandma reads about this...wow, I wish. Nah, I doubt she's able to use the computer. She's too busy fucking around, wrecking families, introducing sluts to pimps and getting laid.
All I need now, is peace. There's too many things going around in my brain. Too many things to handle but nowhere else to purge them out. This is the place, this is my space. Everything is exposed here... and even though not many people will get to read this, at least I feel like I have released a big part of a burden this afternoon.
Now I can go read my book and eat a piece of chocolate - for a simple indulging date with my inner self and I.
Yes, I am just too preoccupied to even care about getting boyfriends and heartaches. I do get crushes.. and I used to have a boyfriend but that was years ago. Most teens are basically too free to get into all these - I just can't right now. I was too stupid then, and now when I think about it a little deeper, I don't think teenage love will benefit me. Like, I'm still 15. I have a decade more to play all these stupid games of love. They won't last. I've seen too many love wreckage and people killing themselves over boyfriends and girlfriends.. cutting themselves...the thing is.. what's the point?
1:27 p.m. - 2004-07-24
Recent entries:
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