I am inspired by prettysprite for this entry. Thanks.
I guess when I look into the mirror, I see no one but myself. My exterior self. I see my messy hair, sallow dead eyes, my mouth, my decreasing size and then I'll go scrutinizing at how I'm getting good physically...and I will smile in satisfaction, but I know I want to be smaller than this.
You don't try to lie yourself. You do treat people differently when they're at their different size. I get nicer and better treatments when I was sizes smaller than this. I am fat now and people treat me with much coldness and such a dislike. I've been at the both extremes states... overskinny and overfat. And the emotional distress that I get when I was skinny is nothing compared to so much that I get when I was fat. You can say that beauty is only skin deep, but it plays such an important role... I get much lesser respect because of my weight gain.
I try to be normal and now you're hating me for it. Why should I even care about what you think about me.... but in actuality, I do care about it. In silence. I don't come out as being totally insecure in person.. people think of me as this confident person..and they fear me sometimes, but inwardly, I am insecure. I am always seeking for perfection.. permission to live life.
I am not afraid of getting osteoporosis. Neither am I about getting an 80 year old failing heart. I fear more for rejection and fat than death. I fear you turning your backs and disliking me for reasons that I don't know, than losing my life.
In conclusion, I am feeling out of control.. I'm losing my grip and noone's gonna support me. Not even my dad. I'm gonna post another entry in later days to tell you something. To summarize it, my dad and the whole family knows that I am bulimic.
But they think it's normal and they let me do it. THEY LET ME. You tell me why I should even think they care about me. They are looking at me abusing myself... taking in countless of unknown pills..and they're watching me withering in slow mo.
I'm beginning to even feel depressed. It's even worst knowing that your family knows you're in trouble ,and actually let you fall deeper into the bottomless pit.
If I die, I know I'll not worry about anything. No one is going to care.
Not even you.
5:33 p.m. - 2004-07-20
Recent entries:
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