freakymandy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- purged again I purged my breakfast. How come this is not surprising? Nothing about me is surprising anymore. I ate little from everybody's share of breakfast (without them knowing it) and ate up every junk foods I could find in the house. Knowing that I did not want to be responsible for the amount of calories, I quickly took my towel and gave an impression that I was going to shower. I did, plus I did the purging too. I make people happy, only to disappoint them without their knowledge. Everyone thought I was already recovered from my ED. They saw me eating a lot. They smiled. Without their presence, I'd go to the toilet, and did my job. My fucking shameful job. I am struggling to keep up with all these promises of recovery and promises to stop this shit. I have made a promise to myself to stop all these crap, too. However, those were just words. Words that meant nothing. Promises, they are really meant to be broken by me. I feel so sorry for myself, naturally. And I feel so angry with myself, for making others feel bad. This year... like years before, I am still struggling with EDs. I am still constipated. I am still depressed and delirious. Even worst, I start to abuse myself. What's becoming of me, I don't know. What's so different about me this year, is that, I have already became a shopaholic. I am such a sucker for clothing. This year, I know more about myself; I love collecting postcards. I love to read magazines and books. I have more friends this year, and they don't judge me for how I look like. I am no longer the only one who is real concerned about my weight; 3/4 of my classmates are self-conscious too. I open up more to Fez. And instead of me being anorexic, I am bulimic now. The natural transistion. Go to something-fishy.com and you can see that a lot of anorexics will turn to bulimia eventually. I am one of the statistics. This is awful. Told you dreaming is better than waking up to reality. 12:00 p.m. - 2004-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||